Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #9: Resident Evil: Afterlife

What it says on the back of the plastic case:

After a one-woman assault on the Umbrella Corporation’s fortress, Alice’s (Milla Jovovich) superhuman abilities are neutralized. Now fleeing the Undead masses created by the T-virus, Alice reunites with Claire Redfield (Ali Larter) and her brother, Chris (Wentworth Miller). Together they take refuge with the other survivors in an abandoned prison, where a savage zombie mob stands between them and the safety of “Arcadia.” Escaping these bloodthirsty mutants will take an arsenal. But facing off with Albert Wesker and the Umbrella Corporation will take the fight for survival to a new level of danger.

What it would say if the marketing people who write these things could speak the truth:

After a ridiculously inhuman one-woman assault on the Umbrella Corporation’s fortress which is so impossible to achieve that it destroys any threatening tension the enemies might provide, Alice’s (a waifish model that would once nude up for this very franchise but apparently doesn’t want to anymore) superhuman abilities are neutralized which is supposed to make that threatening tension return but given that she has survived the zombie apocalypse three times already it doesn’t really work. Now fleeing the Undead (capitalized here as the result of several marketing meetings in which various executives demanded away to set these zombies apart from all the other zombies somehow) masses created by the T-virus (the T standing for, I don’t know, “terror” maybe?) Alice reunites with Claire Redfield (Ali Larter, who is either not trying very hard here or has actually gotten worse as an actress) and her brother, Chris (Wentworth Miller, which is a name I’m sure means a whole lot to you but I don’t know who the heck he is). Together they take refuge with the other survivors in an abandoned prison, a setting never before seen in zombie movies unless you count all the other zombie movies that took place in prisons, where a savage zombie mob stands between them and the safety of “Arcadia.” (That’s in quotes because it’s a made-up place, unlike the usual realism employed by this franchise.) Escaping these bloodthirsty mutants will take an arsenal of computer generated imagery. But facing off with Albert Wesker and the Umbrella Corporation will take the fight for survival to a new level of danger, and we highly recommend smoking several bowls before watching this in order to dumb yourself down enough to get a palpable sense of this so-called danger. Also, many pretty colors and flashes of light.

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