MOVIE REVIEW: Watchmen (2009)

If you love giant blue wang, you’ll love Watchmen (IMDb). If you’re a comic book supergeek, you’ll bitch and complain about how they left some stuff out and they changed the ending and they’ve now killed your childhood. Otherwise: meh.

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8 thoughts on “MOVIE REVIEW: Watchmen (2009)”

  1. I kind of liked Watchmen. I was never exposed to the comic (because DC comics were for fags) either.

    I am not sure what I found worse, the plodding and predictable plot or the bad acting by everyone other than Rorschach and the Comedian. I will allow for Crudup’s bad acting as it was probably key to the character.

  2. “Kneel Before Zod” was the name of my fantasy football team this year. They unfortunately weren’t very good.

    AK

  3. I think we three finally agreed that Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach) nailed it, Jeffrey Dean Morgan (The Comedian) was good, Billy Crudup (Dr. Manhattan) was pretty good, and everybody else varied from dull to suck (sometimes both at once). For me, even the good performances couldn’t save the plodding slow-motion ultra-violence nonsense that made all the characters into actual super-powered heroes instead of the sad, dangerous psychotic people they were meant to be.

    Crudup gets a bit of a pass, however, because he had three things working against him:

    1. Feature film format too short to adequately explore the whole Dr. Manhattan-no-longer-experiences-linear-time-in-a-human-fashion thing. In the movie, I found it to be convoluted and boring. This is technically a fanboy gripe, but compared to the depth the comic book went into Dr. Manhattan’s time/space perception issues, I think it is arguable. (Shut up, Falk.)

    2. As an actor, he had to spend most of the shoot covered in motion-capture balls and never had the visceral sense of being “in costume”. Sounds wishy-washy but it is actually very important.

    3. Dr. Manhattan’s increasing disconnection from humanity and his attempts to hold on to human contact turned on his girlfriend, Malin Akerman (Silk Spectre II), being able to react with some semblance of emotion. Instead, she was so dull I thought she might be having trouble operating in linear time as well. The end result was an intentionally stilted and emotionless Dr. Manhattan scrambling to show human emotion playing off an unintentionally stilted and emotionless Silk Spectre scrambling to show human emotion. Didn’t work.

    And, for the record, if Dr. Manhattan – WHO CAN SEE THROUGH TIME AND SPACE – says you are going to cry, you had damn well better work up some tears. Otherwise, everybody looks stupid.

    Oh, and none of this criticism applies to Carla Gugino because I am in love with her and she can do no wrong. Hi, Carla! Call me!

    1. Crudup did more than wear motion capture balls, he wore a suit with blue LEDs that lit everything in the scene around him blue. No wonder he was wooden, they turned him into a LAMP!

      I agree with everything you said. I give Crudup a pass for past work. Malin Ackerman doesn’t earn a pass since I only know her from that Lisa Kudrow show where she flexed her acting muscles being a good looking shallow vapid unable to act but eager to strip down.

  4. I worked on the international print ad campaign…and my company did all the trailers. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!!!!!!

  5. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-khrpKG8bc

    Hey, everyone. Instead of seeing Watchmen, watch THAT instead. Why spend three hours watching a poorly constructed movie with random gore thrown in when you could spend it instead watching color-coordinated fat Japanese men rap? Also there are cute girls para-para dancing.

    You’ll leave in a better mood AND won’t feel like your bladder is five seconds from collapsing in on itself afterwards!

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