Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #1: Max Payne

What it says on the back of the DVD:

Mark Wahlberg delivers an explosive performance in this action-packed thriller based on the legendary, hard-hitting video game.  Max Payne (Wahlberg) is a maverick cop with little regard for rules and nothing left to lose. 

Hell-bent on revenge, he’s determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murder of his family, but his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmarish journey where dark fantasy collides with stark reality.  As the mystery deepens, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world…and face an unthinkable betrayal that will drive him to the edge of his own sanity.  This edition includes both the theatrical version and harder-hitting unrated extended cut of the film.

What it should read:

Mark Wahlberg delivers a lazy but adequate performance in this snow flurry-packed moving picture based on an all but forgotten video game.  Max Payne (Marky-Mark) is a cop cliche with little regard for rules, nothing left to lose, too close to the case, blah, blah, blah, cop, blah.  Contractually obligated to collect the paycheck, he makes one determined expression that doesn’t let up while he tracks down those responsible for the brutal murder of his underwritten family, but his color-by-numbers investigation takes him on a nightmarish journey where visuals that look like a sequel to Constantine collide with plot devices lifted from Jacob’s Ladder.  As the movie continues, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world, and by that we mean the computer generated world…and face an unthinkable betrayal (which you most likely will have thought about the minute you saw Beau Bridges for the first time) that will drive him to the edge of his own sanity but you still won’t see any difference in his expression.  This edition includes both the theatrical version and the unrated version which contains three more minutes that you won’t notice because the movie was shot to get the PG-13 rating and that’s all it will ever be.

8 thoughts on “Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #1: Max Payne”

  1. Mark Wahlberg is so NOT explosive in anything he does. I’d like to see him in a face off with Keanu Reeves. And you’ve exactly hit the problem with video game movies. Video game characters are almost always rip-offs or stereotypes from the movies, which is okay, because it’s cool to be able to play Indiana Jones with boobs or whatever. But when they get translated back to the movies, they just feel lame and generic.

    And Lloyd was the only Bridges you could trust!

  2. Is Marky-Mark and Nic Cage teamed up to do a movie, do you think they could make THREE whole expressions if they combined forces? Each can do one, but only just. What do you think, guys?

      1. Yeah, what’s up with that?

        If you’re Nicholas Cage and you run out of money then you need your ass kicked.

        Maybe he can join Scientology and get whatever sweet tax breaks those kooks get.

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