Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #3: Whiteout

What it says on the back of the DVD packaging:

Underworld‘s Kate Beckinsale plays a U.S. Marshal based at an Antarctic research station, where the continent’s first-ever murder triggers a shocking mystery she must race to solve before being stranded with six months of winter darkness–and a killer–closing in. Dominic Sena (Swordfish) directs a talented cast including Gabriel Macht, Tom Skerritt and Alex O’Loughlin in Dark Castle Entertainments’s action-packed thriller.

What it should say:

Underworld‘s and Underworld 2’s but not Underworld 3’s (because they found an actress that looks just like her and can do the same mediocre job for a quarter of the price) Kate Beckinsale rather unbelievably plays a U.S. Marshal (because people as porcelain doll-gorgeous as Kate Beckinsale don’t need to work for a living so they don’t get regular jobs, and certainly not ones in the public service) based at an Antarctic research station in an area of the Antarctic that looks exactly like Northern Canada, where the continent’s first-ever murder triggers a shocking mystery she must race to solve before being stranded with six months of winter darkness that you never get a genuine feeling for because most of the impending storm looks a lot like a computer generated cartoon because that’s exactly what it is–and a killer that unless you’ve never seen a movie before you know precisely who he is within the first five minutes of the running time–closing in. Dominic Sena (Swordfish) directs a movie in which there is a gratuitous shower sequence but no gratuitous nudity because Dark Castle Entertainment wouldn’t cough up the same half a million dollars that Sena had access to in order to get a big star to show her boobs in the movie referenced above in parenthesis.

3 thoughts on “Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #3: Whiteout”

  1. This is a poor movie indeed.

    Beckinsale doesn’t ACT in any of her movies, so much as just POSE. But she’s photogenic enough to have gotten away with it so far.

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