Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer

What it says on the back of the DVD:

Gerard Butler (300, RocknRolla) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” Human controllers direct each though and move of real-life prison inmates battling in hyper-intense environments–where the goal is freedom and the penalty is death. But when Kable suddenly decides he wants out, his rebellion threates the twisted plans of game creator Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TV’s “Dexter”), who will stop at nothing to crush the renegade commando in this taut, adrenaline-packed action-thriller.

What it should say:

Gerard Butler (who starred in 300 when he wasn’t famous, and has since gone on to star in a long string of box office failures but Hollywood keeps hiring him anyway because they just can’t seem to find an adequate replacement for Sly Stallone) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier (remember that movie Soldier with Kurt Russell? Mmmm.  Kurt Russell)  in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” We’d go on to explain the plot here in detail because there is no way you will be able to decipher it yourself by merely watching the movie, but what’s the point, really?  The movie was made by the guys who made the Crank movies, which means you’ll have fun no matter how stupid it is (provided that you have a good sense of humor and like exploitation movies) because they’ll put in tons of gratuitous nudity, sex, revolting gore and odd cameos from television actors (James Roday, anyone?)  Also, there’s Michael C. Hall, from TV’s “Dexter.”  But do you really need that guy at all when their are boobs and exploding heads?  The answer is no.  No, you don’t.

One thought on “Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer”

  1. It’s a wonder they haven’t hired you to write their summaries for DVD back covers. You’d think the public would appreciate honesty.

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