“Awesome! A movie called Drive! About driving! So, Gosling’s a little overexposed right now, at least this will be a fun 80′s-ish exploitation crash-fest. Alright! Kick-ass opening-car chase. Can’t wait for more car chases. Wait, why are you getting involved with the neighbor girl whose criminal husband is in jail and she’s boring and broke and has a kid and just kind of stares at you weepily? And why are you hanging out with a mentor who clearly is trying to exploit you and already has had his pelvis shattered by bad guys for gambling debts? Well, fine. These dumb decisions we can live with because we know there are going to be a bunch of awesome car chases!

Hey, why aren’t you driving? Drive! More talking? Really? Oh, and now you’re just watching TV with the neighbor kid. Hey, why is this shot lingering for 20 seconds. Oh my god, I’m sleepy. Just fucking Drive for the love of god! Or, I suppose, for the ladies, at least take your shirt off. No, not gonna do that either? Great, Albert Brooks has a fork now. I’m leaving.”