Film Pigs » DVD Commentaries

DVD COMMENTARY: Hellbound (1994)

Film Pigs — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 19:20:41 +0000

Have you ever wanted to listen to a commentary for a movie where Chuck Norris plays an on-the-edge Chicago cop who wanders around Israel looking for a demon who looks a lot like, but isn’t, Michael Ironside so he can stab him with a magical staff topped with a baked potato after defeating him with karate? If the answer is yes, you’re in for a treat!

In Hellbound, Chuck Norris is electrifying as Sgt. Shatter, a tough-as-nails pimp-slapping Chicago detective who gets caught up in an ancient battle between good an evil. Because a demon throws a prostitute out a window and onto the hood of his car. Because demons have a terrible problem keeping a low profile while waiting for their plans of hell on earth to come together. Which is why you can vanquish them with karate. In Israel. This movie makes no sense.

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DVD COMMENTARY: Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Film Pigs — Tue, 04 May 2010 21:03:35 +0000

Law Abiding Citizen is a movie so engaging, so socially relevant, and so masterful in its execution that Todd had to buy the Unrated Director’s Cut Blu-Ray edition so he could see it in all its pristine glory FOR THE THIRD TIME. Todd has a terrible problem, but we’re not sure the Pasadena Recovery Center has a program for people who are compelled to buy every single plastic and metal disc that contains moving pictures.

The best thing about LAC is that it is composed mostly of long, boring scenes of people talking which get interrupted once in a while by scenes of terrible violence and/or gore. The director’s cut shows way more gore than the theatrical release (steak bone, I’m looking in your direction). Plus, you get to play an interesting thought experiment where you try to explain why Gerard Butler keeps getting to make high-profile studio pictures when they do nothing but bomb (Answer: he’s pretty).

NOTE: This Film Pigs commentary is for the “Unrated Director’s Cut” on the 2-disc Blu-Ray and not the theatrical release. We felt it was important to force ourselves to sit through the director’s true vision.

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DVD COMMENTARY: G.I. Joe – The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

Film Pigs — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:27:22 +0000

A new decade brings forth new life challenges. For the Film Pigs, this means sitting through the stupidest movie from the previous decade. It’s hard to quantify just how monumentally stupid G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is, but with a running time of two hours, there’s plenty of time to try.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?”, take a drink.

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DVD COMMENTARY: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Film Pigs — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:26:37 +0000

It’s a Christmas Miracle! The Film Pigs return to make everyone’s holiday season a little brighter. And what better way to celebrate the Christian / Jewish / Muslim / Pagan / Pastafarian season than with a movie about a homicidal Santa Claus? Answer: THERE IS NO BETTER WAY!

Silent Night, Deadly Night takes us back to a simpler time, when ghostbusting was king and traversing the space-time continuum in modified DeLoreans was commonplace. In the early 80s, no one thought twice about a dusty old nun whipping two naked teenagers with a leather belt, or of wearing cheap sweaters with no undershirts or bras. We were too busy fighting Communism when, in retrospect, we should have been paying more attention to drunken, murderous Santa Clauses. Happy holidays!

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DVD COMMENTARY: Twilight (2008)

Film Pigs — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 22:19:30 +0000

You missed it. You demanded it. And now you have it: the first Film Pigs commentary in almost a year! Who would have thought it was possible to procrastinate so long on a money-losing hobby?

If you love dull, corporate movie adaptations of dull, corporate novels for teen girls then have we got a treat for you! Twilight, the blockbuster adaptation of the bestselling novel series, brings us the story of Bella, a pale girl who is not even slightly interesting and Edward, her vampire boyfriend who glows like David Bowie in the sunlight and has a severe allergic reaction to Bella’s pungent vagina. Additionally, they both have ludicrously manicured and highly distracting eyebrows.

Dull, inoffensive teen angst is the best you can hope for these days. It’s almost like movies are being made by marketing committees that are only concerned about how much money they can make. It’s weird. At the risk of sounding old (which isn’t a risk at all, the Film Pigs ARE old), when you put Twilight next to the teen angst vampire movie of our generation, The Lost Boys (1987), there really is no comparison. Jason Patric would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass any day of the week. And his eyebrows are dreamier.

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DVD COMMENTARY: P2 (2007)

Film Pigs — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:08:35 +0000

Happy holidays Film Pigs fans! In keeping with our marginally adhered to tradition of Christmastime-themed commentaries for the season, we bring you P2. It’s a story of thrills, survival and impossibly perky cleavage.

Set in a strange, alternate-reality New York City where the streets are barren after 6pm and people actually apologize for acting like assholes at the Christmas party (translation: Toronto), P2 tells the cautionary tale of why you should never be trapped in a Canadian parking garage with a psychotic killer during the holiday season. But if you are, for God’s sake just have dinner with the guy. ‘Tis the season! (IMDb)

Here are some highlights:
- Silly Elvis Impersonation By Crazy Man: 1
- Amazingly Graphic Crushed To Death By Car Scene: 1
- Stupidly Watertight Elevator: 1
- Dog Stabbing: 1
- Rolls Of Boob Tape: 4,017

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DVD COMMENTARY: The Happening (2008)

Film Pigs — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 22:12:02 +0000

M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! Those were the words that sent people to theaters in – what’s the opposite of “droves” – to experience some stupid thing about angry plants making people walk backwards before killing themselves. And Marky Mark as a science teacher. We know he’s smart because M. Knight makes him wear an awkward sweater vest.

Finally crossing the line into Ed Wood territory, Shyamalan actually expects the audience to feel fear and tension when he stages his characters running away from light breezes. Oh, and instead of a stupid twist ending, the ending is just stupid. In the end, The Happening has all the terror and gravity of a fabric softener commercial AND a criminally underused Alan Ruck. We love Alan Ruck. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: 10,000 BC (2008)

Film Pigs — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 04:08:03 +0000

At the dawn of human civilization, there was this guy who hunted giant cartoon mastodons, was chased by prehistoric man-eating ostriches, and totally fucked up this pyramid. He did this because some other guys kidnapped his girlfriend…and the guy who owned the pyramid made everybody think he was a god or something…a disembodied Omar Sharif kept talking every now and then…

Okay, this movie is stupid, even for a premise that abandons at the first frame any thought of possibly trying to be somewhat in the neighborhood of historically accurate. Even worse, it is boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Somehow, a movie that has computer generated mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, and killer ostriches is so dull it makes you pine for an auto accident-induced coma. Who would have figured that the creative genius behind Independence Day and Eight Legged Freaks was Dean Devlin? For shame, Roland Emmerich. For shame. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Bratz (2007)

Film Pigs — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 01:32:16 +0000

It started out as a simple joke. A ribald suggestion that three grown men sit through a movie clearly assembled by soulless corporate executives for tween girls and their sexually frustrated fathers. What followed was an hour and forty minutes of Technicolor horror brighter than the light of a thousand exploding suns. Plus, Jon Voight in a prosthetic nose. For no reason! No reason! It’s understandable doing some marketing-driven junk movie if you’re donating the money to charity or want another speedboat, buy why would you agree to put on a stupid nose every morning Jon? Why? It makes no sense. And can we stop forcing real elephants to do stupid circus tricks in movies? For Christ’s sake, leave them alone. It’s depressing. BFF! (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Road House (1989)

Film Pigs — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 07:28:29 +0000

Swayze. Elliott. Boobs. Few words encompass the greatness that is American cinema more than these, and few films possess all three qualities at once. Road House is such a film. Join the Film Pigs as they relive the wonder of a late 80s action masterpiece, complete with all the mullets and pleated pants one could want. Marvel as they give voice to their shared crush on the ultimate man that is Sam Elliott. And, as always, please enjoy the boobs. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: Please forgive the minor distortion in the recording. Sam Elliott’s mustache simply overpowered our weak, mama’s boy microphone. We are rightfully shamed. Please forgive us Sam!

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DVD COMMENTARY: Disturbia (2007)

Film Pigs — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 06:01:01 +0000

The Film Pigs just can’t get enough of that charming Shia LaBeouf! This time he stars as an impulse-control challenged and slightly pervy teenager under house arrest in this modern take on Hitchcock’s classic Rear Window. Major difference: Disturbia has a flaming bag of dogshit that is noticeably absent from Hitchcock’s version. Not that you should read anything into that. Also, Grace Kelly has been replaced by a skinny teenage girl and an iPod. David Morse is, as always, extremely menacing. He frightens us. Somebody make him leave Shia and Dr. House alone. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Christmas Fireplace (2007)

Film Pigs — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 22:10:01 +0000

The Film Pigs spread holiday cheer with this very special DVD commentary. Snatched up in the festive shopping madness at Burbank’s finest Kmart, marvel as the Pigs learn the true meaning of the holidays while they triple-fist booze and make inappropriate remarks about Famke Janssen. Truly, a Christmas miracle! Asbestos cookies! (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: Instructions for syncing playback to this DVD commentary are included during the recording. Everybody try not to swarm Kmart all at once.

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DVD COMMENTARY: Transformers (2007)

Film Pigs — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 04:50:01 +0000

Normally this would be where we make fun of the movie’s tagline – something like “Transformers: Their War. Our World. Complete Waste Of Your Time.” – but holy f*ck, this thing is so dull it saps strength even after its running time concludes. Somehow, a movie has been made about giant robots covered in sharp spinning objects that turn into cars and jets and back into robots while they’re fighting that’s about as compelling as changing your cell phone’s battery. It’s the mechanical-man-in-conflict version of Paul Haggis’ “Crash” – but with more believable commentary on race relations and road safety. Michael Bay has finally succeeded in stripping the very last shred of humanity from his films, perhaps hoping that his robotic overlords will finally let him leave planet earth. Which, apparently, is a pretty cool place to “kick it.” (IMDb)

BONUS: For the first time ever, the Film Pigs screw up the DVD playback and ruin the commentary!

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DVD COMMENTARY: The Reaping (2007)

Film Pigs — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 08:01:01 +0000

Having secured the coveted early spring release window, one would have thought 2007′s The Reaping would have become an instant classic. I mean, you’ve got a gritty biblical horror starring Academy-award winning actress Hilary Swank who last wowed audiences in 2004′s “The Bourne Supremacy” – what could go wrong? One thing is for sure: if you travel to a small southern town to debunk biblical plagues, stay away from the mumbly Liam Neeson-Elvis guy and all small blonde girls who are probably possessed by the devil. Or just have really bad ADD or something. What hath God wrought? Boredom. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Torque (2004)

Film Pigs — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 04:01:01 +0000

Combining the subtle nuances of “The Fast And The Furious” with the drum-tight structure of “Timerider”, Torque feels much longer than it’s running time of 84 minutes. Some people might consider that quality filmmaking – others might use it to interrorgate enemy combatants in secret prisons. Either way, Torque’s timeless message is clear: motorcycles are, like, cool and stuff! Radical! (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Audition (1999)

Film Pigs — Sun, 18 Mar 2007 02:48:01 +0000

Holding a fake movie audition in order to find a new wife seems reasonable enough – I mean, how else are you supposed to meet women? MySpace? Unfortunately for the Film Pigs, our guy forgets the cardinal rule of dating: Never pick up the girl with fetishes for needles, piano wire, and keeping mutilated guys in a big sack. Happy endings: 0. Puke in dog dish: 1. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Crank (2006)

Film Pigs — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 06:01:01 +0000

Crank is quite possibly the best movie ever made about a guy injected with a lethal dose of poison who goes on a rampage against his enemies but takes time out to bang Amy Smart in front of a crowd in Chinatown before falling to his death out of a helicopter. No one with any sense of moral decency or concern over the decline of our civilization should see this movie. It is that awesome. Girls in plastic bubbles: at least 3. Redeeming qualities: 0. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

Film Pigs — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 06:01:01 +0000

It’s beginning to look a lot like Norris! The Film Pigs celebrate the season with the festive holiday picture “Invasion U.S.A.” With the fierce demeanor of an indifferent koala, Chuck Norris saves America from the poorly-thought-out machinations of a Soviet terrorist and his band of extras from “The Warriors” with an empty, massive-stroke-like gaze and at least two kicks thrown by Norris himself. Once again, Chuck reaffirms the open-button shirt tucked neatly into your pants that is Freedom and the dense thicket of beard of Liberty for us all. Plus, holiday well-wishes to our fans. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Silent Hill (2006)

Film Pigs — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 04:01:01 +0000

What Halloween would be complete without an awkward video-game-to-movie translation? Watch in horror as a concerned mother deals with her child’s terrible nightmares about a town called “Silent Hill” by putting her daughter in the car and maniacally crashing it into a town called “Silent Hill.” For some reason, this makes the child run away from her mother, seeking comfort from the town’s compliment of shambling ash babies. 2 hour movie. 20 minute expository ending. 5 minutes of good gore. 1 Strippercop. PLUS, guest commentator Pamela Ribon delays a very important phone call to join us in anticipation of Scary Cakes! (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Hostel (2005)

Film Pigs — Tue, 05 Sep 2006 05:30:01 +0000

Ah, scenic Europe. The Old World charm, the cultural sophistication, the endless barrage of titty and gore. Truly, this is a Very Important Movie with a Timeless Message. That message: everyone in Europe wants to brutally murder anybody under 30 who’s wearing a backpack. They’re especially interested in poorly drawn characters of 2-dimensions or less who have wasted about 40 minutes on “character development” (meaning, lots of ‘what the?’ reactions to bare breasts and calling everything else ‘gay’) before the first drop of blood is seen. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for the Unrated Widescreen Cut DVD. According to the DVD jacket – “SickER and MORE Twisted Unrated”. TV’s Daniel Blau guest-comments and enjoys pizza rolls fresh from the oven!

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DVD COMMENTARY: Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Film Pigs — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 05:30:01 +0000

No pun intended, but being a gay cowboy is really hard. Especially when you’ve only got a couple of camping trips to try and generate some kind of meaningful relationship with a guy who mumbles worse than Brando. Seriously, can anybody understand what the hell Heath Ledger is saying? Was it just a big misunderstanding? Did he really only want Jake Gyllenhaal’s dry cleaning? And where the hell was the posse? We thought this was a western. Even a gay western should have a posse. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Crash (2004)

Film Pigs — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 06:01:01 +0000

To call this movie ham-fisted would be an insult to the depth and subtlety you get from ham-fistedness. From its opening scene, Crash blunders through an endless series of tired racial stereotypes and preachy clichés like a fat kid in an oversized pair of moon boots, ultimately concluding that everyone on earth is not only racist but also an incompetent motorist. Best Picture 2006? What the fuck, America? And would somebody please get Thandie Newton a God-damn sandwich? (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: The Outsiders (1983)

Film Pigs — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 19:01:01 +0000

The Film Pigs sit down with S.E. Hinton’s classic tale of cuddle-prone and generally shirtless street punks on the run for the self-defense murder of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog model. Hugs! (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for “The Outsiders – The Complete Novel (Two-Disc Special Edition)” DVD – not the theatrical release. Special features include deleted scenes and an all-new score, which sounds like the same 8-bars of surf music repeated incessantly. It’s so inappropriate for the movie we thought it was going to give our first guest commentator, Pamela Ribon, a heart attack or something.

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DVD COMMENTARY: It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

Film Pigs — Fri, 23 Dec 2005 22:30:01 +0000

Is it just us or is “Pottersville,” the version of Bedford Falls where George Bailey never existed, the most AWESOME PLACE EVER?!!! It’s got neon lights, dance halls, and titty bars galore! For some reason George thinks life is better without those things, which makes him a douche bag. Pay attention to how much EVERYBODY in Bedford Falls drinks, even the endless stream of extras, and you’ll realize the reason it’s a wonderful life is alcoholism. And remember, what happens in Pottersville stays in Pottersville… (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Saw (2004)

Film Pigs — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 08:01:00 +0000

For a movie called “Saw,” there is an alarming lack of “sawing” – of arms, legs, heads, wooden planks, trees, anything. However, there is plenty of terrifying acting from Carey Elwwwwwwes, who spends most of the movie in a life-or-death struggle with his accent. Plus, there is the obligatory pointless twist ending that paves the way for “Saw II,” which will hopefully deliver on the gore “Saw” only teases us with. (IMDb)

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