Archive for the ‘DVD Commentaries’ Category

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DVD COMMENTARY: P2 (2007)

December 18th, 2008 by Film Pigs

dvdcover100w_p2Happy holidays Film Pigs fans! In keeping with our marginally adhered to tradition of Christmastime-themed commentaries for the season, we bring you P2. It’s a story of thrills, survival and impossibly perky cleavage.

Set in a strange, alternate-reality New York City where the streets are barren after 6pm and people actually apologize for acting like assholes at the Christmas party (translation: Toronto), P2 tells the cautionary tale of why you should never be trapped in a Canadian parking garage with a psychotic killer during the holiday season. But if you are, for God’s sake just have dinner with the guy. ‘Tis the season! (IMDb)

Here are some highlights:
- Silly Elvis Impersonation By Crazy Man: 1
- Amazingly Graphic Crushed To Death By Car Scene: 1
- Stupidly Watertight Elevator: 1
- Dog Stabbing: 1
- Rolls Of Boob Tape: 4,017

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DVD COMMENTARY: The Happening (2008)

November 16th, 2008 by Film Pigs

M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! Those were the words that sent people to theaters in – what’s the opposite of “droves” – to experience some stupid thing about angry plants making people walk backwards before killing themselves. And Marky Mark as a science teacher. We know he’s smart because M. Knight makes him wear an awkward sweater vest.

Finally crossing the line into Ed Wood territory, Shyamalan actually expects the audience to feel fear and tension when he stages his characters running away from light breezes. Oh, and instead of a stupid twist ending, the ending is just stupid. In the end, The Happening has all the terror and gravity of a fabric softener commercial AND a criminally underused Alan Ruck. We love Alan Ruck. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: 10,000 BC (2008)

August 20th, 2008 by Film Pigs

dvdcover100w_10000bcAt the dawn of human civilization, there was this guy who hunted giant cartoon mastodons, was chased by prehistoric man-eating ostriches, and totally fucked up this pyramid. He did this because some other guys kidnapped his girlfriend…and the guy who owned the pyramid made everybody think he was a god or something…a disembodied Omar Sharif kept talking every now and then…

Okay, this movie is stupid, even for a premise that abandons at the first frame any thought of possibly trying to be somewhat in the neighborhood of historically accurate. Even worse, it is boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Somehow, a movie that has computer generated mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, and killer ostriches is so dull it makes you pine for an auto accident-induced coma. Who would have figured that the creative genius behind Independence Day and Eight Legged Freaks was Dean Devlin? For shame, Roland Emmerich. For shame. (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Bratz (2007)

June 22nd, 2008 by Film Pigs

It started out as a simple joke. A ribald suggestion that three grown men sit through a movie clearly assembled by soulless corporate executives for tween girls and their sexually frustrated fathers. What followed was an hour and forty minutes of Technicolor horror brighter than the light of a thousand exploding suns. Plus, Jon Voight in a prosthetic nose. For no reason! No reason! It’s understandable doing some marketing-driven junk movie if you’re donating the money to charity or want another speedboat, buy why would you agree to put on a stupid nose every morning Jon? Why? It makes no sense. And can we stop forcing real elephants to do stupid circus tricks in movies? For Christ’s sake, leave them alone. It’s depressing. BFF! (IMDb)

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DVD COMMENTARY: Road House (1989)

April 16th, 2008 by Film Pigs

Road HouseSwayze. Elliott. Boobs. Few words encompass the greatness that is American cinema more than these, and few films possess all three qualities at once. Road House is such a film. Join the Film Pigs as they relive the wonder of a late 80s action masterpiece, complete with all the mullets and pleated pants one could want. Marvel as they give voice to their shared crush on the ultimate man that is Sam Elliott. And, as always, please enjoy the boobs. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: Please forgive the minor distortion in the recording. Sam Elliott’s mustache simply overpowered our weak, mama’s boy microphone. We are rightfully shamed. Please forgive us Sam!

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