Three Pigs went into Haywire…but only two came out. Forced by fanatics to see two more January releases, Todd and Skelton brave the endurance test of the year in an effort to rescue Falk from his captors. Liam Neeson was unavailable to rescue Falk, due to a problem with wolves, leaving two Pigs standing tall in the fight of their lives!

The Pigs see two summer blockbuster sequels and don’t hate them! Plus, this time they somehow lure a woman into their car. Poor woman.

The Pigs split up to experience the same movie in different parts of the country, and the results are epic and astounding! Plus, they discuss the other movies they’ve seen in completely different locations and there is an angry cat. Happy holidays, everybody! God bless us, every one.

While Stephen Falk is globe-trotting, the Pigs left behind fight the good fight and head off to the cineplex to take in a sci-fi family film set in a dystopian future where PETA no longer exists and it’s okay to pit live bulls against thousand pound robots in death matches. Here is their immediate and visceral reaction, coming to you from the usual place (inside a car) with the type of criticism you’ve come to expect from The Film Pigs (without thought and fueled by crotchety oldness.)

“Awesome! A movie called Drive! About driving! So, Gosling’s a little overexposed right now, at least this will be a fun 80′s-ish exploitation crash-fest. Alright! Kick-ass opening-car chase. Can’t wait for more car chases. Wait, why are you getting involved with the neighbor girl whose criminal husband is in jail and she’s boring and broke and has a kid and just kind of stares at you weepily? And why are you hanging out with a mentor who clearly is trying to exploit you and already has had his pelvis shattered by bad guys for gambling debts? Well, fine. These dumb decisions we can live with because we know there are going to be a bunch of awesome car chases!

Hey, why aren’t you driving? Drive! More talking? Really? Oh, and now you’re just watching TV with the neighbor kid. Hey, why is this shot lingering for 20 seconds. Oh my god, I’m sleepy. Just fucking Drive for the love of god! Or, I suppose, for the ladies, at least take your shirt off. No, not gonna do that either? Great, Albert Brooks has a fork now. I’m leaving.”

The Pigs see TWO summer blockbusters, just for you. And perhaps there was Garp-toxin pumped into the theatre by James Franco’s idiot scientist character from ROTPOTA, but they liked them both!

The Pigs get all patriotic and check out Captain America which they all find just all right. One of them likes it more than the others but for some reason winds up being the crankiest. Also, fun stories from before the movie began, and a discussion on how to appropriately ask for large breasts.

The Film Pigs go to the Transformers show. Poor judgement, clearly.

For Father’s Day, Colby takes his dad and two Steves out to see Mr. Popper’s Penguins. Which should have been called Mr. Popper’s Pooping Penguins. The Pigs are still feeling ill, days later.

Part funny guys! Part movie critics! All scotch lovers! The Pigs saw the new X-Men movie! Marvel as they complain and then eventually turn the conversation to Robocop, which seems to be where they always wind up! Every sentence in this description ends with an exclamation point!

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Comic Book-Style Movie Super Hero

The Film Pigs start summer off with a happy bang when they see Fast Five! The Rock sweats, the Diesel burns, the Tyrese looks great, and the Walker…I don’t know, talks sometimes. Also, the Pigs discuss what they’ve seen lately and get all up in your listicle with a very, very special guest! (She’s crazy sexy, so check it out one time, won’t you?)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Clusterfuck Movie

What’s happier than a bunch of Pigs drinking scotch after a completely inappropriate low-budget Canadian lensed actioner starring Rutger Hauer? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Rutger Hauer Performance

The old grumps are at again! They complain about the damn shaky camera and cliched military characters! Whee! Alien invasions are getting a little dull, yes? (IMDb)

Ed Helms gets a shot at headlining his own movie. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite John C. Rilley Performance

The Film Pigs launch their 2011 year of vlogging with…a winner! The cranky old guys in the car actually liked something! Everything is looking up! (We’re sick of this.) – IMDb

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Hitman Movie

The Rock tries his hand at revenge pictures. He fails. He should probably return to dressing in a tutu or smashing folding chairs over the heads of other men with steroid and human growth hormones coursing through their veins. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Live-Action But Non-Human Movie Character

The Film Pigs, grumpy and cynical as they may be, are at least smart consumers…when they don’t like the first fifteen minutes of a movie, they leave and demand their money back! (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Buddy Movie

Nothing is fun anymore. Fun is over. Machete should have been amazing. It should not have been dull and slow-paced. It should not have featured the wretched act-bot that is Jessica Alba. The Film Pigs mourn the passing of fun. R.I.P. fun.

This is a perfect movie. Just not if you bring your toddler to see it. The Pigs are happy about the movie, sad about how poorly it is doing at the box office. Yeah, it’s nice Stallone is still on top. But why not number two for the killer fish show? I mean, come on, America! Vampires Suck? Really? (IMDb)

Feature Film Pigs Listicle: Top 3 Roger Corman Pictures

The Film Pigs really enjoy thick, veiny things that are constantly shooting and exploding. What? No, not that! You’re sick! We’re talking about Sylvester Stallone, the last guy on Earth who can still make action movies without resorting to nonsense plot devices involving dream states or rich people in superhero costumes. This guy can blow stuff up for no good reason. That’s what makes him a real man, people. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Dumb 80s Action Movie

The Film Pigs take a clearly intellectually superior special guest to a cartoon show. And the 3-D makes their hangovers much worse. (IMDb)

Why can’t an attractive scientist couple create half-humans in a lab without fear that fucking their experiments will somehow be a bad idea? Goddamn you, science! (IMDb)

Turns out, sequels are almost never as good as the original! Even when the original wasn’t that big a deal to begin with! Who knew? (The Pigs knew. But they like to point the same things out over and over again…) (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Most Obnoxious Mechanical Thing In A Movie

The Pigs curse their way through a review of the latest movie to get trumped at the box office by whatever is in 3-D. Secretly, Todd had believed this would be two in a row that the Pigs enjoyed, but once again Hollywood has dashed his dreams. Skelton makes it clear he loves robots. And Falk talks about some French thing he watched. (IMDb)

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Movie That Disappointed You The Most

The Film Pigs see Hot Tub Time Machine and party like its 1986!

Like those flash-sideways-es on the last season of Lost where the characters live out different lives in a parallel universe, the Film Pigs go to a movie during the daylight, are sober, and enjoy the picture!

Also, it’s revealed that Skelton’s 1996 Honda Civic is like a cork that prevents the smoke monster from destroying all life on earth. Which might explain why he’s got that broken Egyptian statue in his trunk.

Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Crispin Glover Performance