MOVIE COMMENTARY: Brokeback Mountain (2005)

poster_brokebackmtnNo pun intended, but being a gay cowboy is really hard. Especially when you’ve only got a couple of camping trips to try and generate some kind of meaningful relationship with a guy who mumbles worse than Brando. Seriously, can anybody understand what the hell Heath Ledger is saying? Was it just a big misunderstanding? Did he really only want Jake Gyllenhaal’s dry cleaning? And where the hell was the posse? We thought this was a western. Even a gay western should have a posse. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Crash (2004)

poster_crashTo call this movie ham-fisted would be an insult to the depth and subtlety you get from ham-fistedness. From its opening scene, Crash blunders through an endless series of tired racial stereotypes and preachy clichés like a fat kid in an oversized pair of moon boots, ultimately concluding that everyone on earth is not only racist but also an incompetent motorist. Best Picture 2006? What the fuck, America? And would somebody please get Thandie Newton a God-damn sandwich? (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: The Outsiders (1983)

poster_outsidersThe Film Pigs sit down with S.E. Hinton’s classic tale of cuddle-prone and generally shirtless street punks on the run for the self-defense murder of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog model. Hugs! (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for “The Outsiders – The Complete Novel (Two-Disc Special Edition)” DVD – not the theatrical release. Special features include deleted scenes and an all-new score, which sounds like the same 8-bars of surf music repeated incessantly. It’s so inappropriate for the movie we thought it was going to give our first guest commentator, Pamela Ribon, a heart attack or something.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

poster_wonderfullifeIs it just us or is “Pottersville,” the version of Bedford Falls where George Bailey never existed, the most AWESOME PLACE EVER?!!! It’s got neon lights, dance halls, and titty bars galore! For some reason George thinks life is better without those things, which makes him a douche bag. Pay attention to how much EVERYBODY in Bedford Falls drinks, even the endless stream of extras, and you’ll realize the reason it’s a wonderful life is alcoholism. And remember, what happens in Pottersville stays in Pottersville… (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Saw (2004)

poster_sawFor a movie called “Saw,” there is an alarming lack of “sawing” – of arms, legs, heads, wooden planks, trees, anything. However, there is plenty of terrifying acting from Carey Elwwwwwwes, who spends most of the movie in a life-or-death struggle with his accent. Plus, there is the obligatory pointless twist ending that paves the way for “Saw II,” which will hopefully deliver on the gore “Saw” only teases us with. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: The Passion Of The Christ (2004)

poster_passionchristWe are going to hell. Which should be more fun than watching this movie. The Bible is really confusing. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).