MOVIE REVIEW: Rocky Balboa (2006)

The tagline for ‘Rocky Balboa’ is “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” Unfortunately, that’s true. 102 minutes of Sylvester Stallone’s transparent attempt to remain a star reached hilarity of Chekhovian proportions by about minute 50 and forced half of the Film Pigs to flee the theater in search of a bar. There, they attempted to “box” brain cells out of their heads with alcohol in a futile attempt to erase the images of Stallone’s reconstructed body from their memory. Guest Pig Andrew Kamenetzky remained, if only to see Apollo Creed’s old trainer Duke help Rocky through the shortest workout montage in history. All in all, a horrid experience that made the Film Pigs wish for the wit, charm, and craft of ‘Rocky V’. (IMDb)

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

poster_invasionusaIt’s beginning to look a lot like Norris! The Film Pigs celebrate the season with the festive holiday picture “Invasion U.S.A.” With the fierce demeanor of an indifferent koala, Chuck Norris saves America from the poorly-thought-out machinations of a Soviet terrorist and his band of extras from “The Warriors” with an empty, massive-stroke-like gaze and at least two kicks thrown by Norris himself. Once again, Chuck reaffirms the open-button shirt tucked neatly into your pants that is Freedom and the dense thicket of beard of Liberty for us all. Plus, holiday well-wishes to our fans. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Silent Hill (2006)

poster_silenthillWhat Halloween would be complete without an awkward video-game-to-movie translation? Watch in horror as a concerned mother deals with her child’s terrible nightmares about a town called “Silent Hill” by putting her daughter in the car and maniacally crashing it into a town called “Silent Hill.” For some reason, this makes the child run away from her mother, seeking comfort from the town’s compliment of shambling ash babies. 2 hour movie. 20 minute expository ending. 5 minutes of good gore. 1 Strippercop. PLUS, guest commentator Pamela Ribon delays a very important phone call to join us in anticipation of Scary Cakes! (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).