It’s like having the three people who won’t leave your party decide to watch your entire movie collection and scream at the television.
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).
“So, it’s about this guy who escapes from Hell and goes on a rampage to save his granddaughter from some guys and he drives a car all over the place. It’s CRAZY!”
“This is another Nic Cage thing, isn’t it?”
“He’s attached, yes.”
(audible sigh)
“But William Fichtner‘s signed on to play a supernatural accountant!”
“I LOVE Bill Fichtner. Alright, I’m greenlighting this picture. Just make sure it’s in 3D.” (IMDb)
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.
“Thanks for taking this meeting. I’ve got a great movie for you. We take Nic Cage and Ron Pearlman, send them to Eastern Europe for a couple months (Ron’s already there, it’s his off-season from Sons Of Anarchy), and have them run around as knights from the Crusades escorting this hot girl in a cage who everybody thinks is a witch and stuff. And they’ll act like they’re in a buddy-cop movie. We’ll put poor, old Christopher Lee in hideous makeup and Ron will have this giant wound on his head that won’t heal, even though they’ve been walking around for months. And we’ll name the picture after that Donovan song so people will think the movie is either a biopic or a car commercial. …Yes, I said Nic Cage. What’s the problem?” (IMDb)
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.
Here’s a curveball: the Film Pigs do an alternate DVD commentary for a movie they absolutely LOVE*. We do an admirable job of actually talking about the movie instead of quietly watching or just reciting every single line as it’s spoken (although some of that is involuntary, like breathing or growing nose hair). Joining us for his 12th official viewing of Caddyshack is filmmaker and friend of the Pigs, Frank Stokes! So, we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice. (IMDb)
* It’s also an excuse to stare slack-jawed at Cindy Morgan.
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.
Some kids grow up wanting to be a policeman, a fireman, or an astronaut. Not Dieter Laser. He looked at the state of mad scientism in the world and said “NEIN!” Frankenstein’s monster was great and all, but the creature was missing two critical elements: somebody attached to his butt and face. Herr Laser corrects this rookie mistake in an awesomely over-the-top performance that is nothing less than creepily delightful. (IMDb)
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.
The second in our Holiday Season 2010 double-feature, Retardead is a more-or-less sequel to Monsturd. The mad scientist who created the poo creature from the first movie is back, this time injecting mentally challenged people with a serum that eventually turns them into zombies. Again, as far as gross/offensive premises are concerned, this is right on the money.
Unfortunately, the same issues from Monsturd remain: the ultra-low budget home movie style is made unwatchable by the entire production winking at the audience and itself in every scene. Retardead is also longer than Monsturd, which doesn’t help. The Film Pigs were pretty cranky by this point and in a much less forgiving mood. Which is the exact opposite of how you’re supposed to behave during the holidays. Maybe we ate too much Monkey Bread.
NETFLIX ALERT!
This commentary was recorded while watching Retardead on Netflix. All instructions for syncing to the movie are in the commentary, so give a listen and follow the crystal clear steps for maximum holiday cheer.
The Good News: In the spirit of the holiday season, the Film Pigs bring you TWO commentaries! Overcome with the joy and love that accompanies the annual celebration of rampant consumerism (and Jesus!), we felt the need to give something back out of the simple kindness of our hearts.
The Bad News: The two movies we watched are terrible and we’re complete assholes about both of them.
Monsturd tells the tale of an escaped convict who gets covered in mad scientist goo that turns him into a giant dookie creature. Okay, fine. We were on board with the premise. The problem is that both of these movies (Monsturd and its sequel, RetarDEAD) are essentially home movies that are a little too pleased with themselves to be much fun for the audience. Kind of like Film Pigs commentaries.
Also give a listen to our commentary for RetarDEAD!
NETFLIX ALERT!
This commentary was recorded while watching Monsturd on Netflix. As this is a first for the Film Pigs, there is a different procedure for syncing the commentary to the movie. All instructions are in the commentary, so give a listen and follow the crystal clear steps for maximum holiday cheer.
