Tonn Slingdog Remembers the Franchises, Part Two: The Fast and The Furious

Here’s what I remember about these five pictures:

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: I remember a lot of drag racing down large thoroughfares and not really understanding how they didn’t get caught by the police or why there were never any pedestrians anywhere. It was a huge ghost city inhabited only by macho dudes with fast cars and dangerously skinny models dressed like cheap hookers. I’m pretty sure I liked it.

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS: I remember maybe a boat getting involved in one of the chases or something? I remember not being able to see where Vin Diesel was. I remember a beautiful male model running around with that surfer guy. But the thing that stuck with me most in this one was Cole Hauser. Because he’s Wings Hauser’s son, I think. Oh, yeah, and Eva Mendes wasn’t naked at any point.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS TOKYO DRIFT: This one was in Tokyo, I’m pretty sure. And the cars drifted or something. But who really cares, because the unhealthily skinny models in whore clothes were all Asian, and that is every white American man’s sexual fantasy, right? Because we’re all racist and horny at the same time. Also, Paul Walker looked a lot different and a lot younger. Maybe he had work done or something, I don’t know. Also, it was really hard to see Vin Diesel until the very end.

FAST AND FURIOUS: I remember not knowing what happened to all the “the’s” in the title. But it was really easy to see Vin Diesel in this one. And Paul Walker looked like he used to again, I guess he had some kind of reverse plastic surgery or whatever. Or maybe this was filmed before the last one because I’m pretty sure it’s a prequel. They have to shoot prequel’s first, right? Otherwise they wouldn’t make any sense.

FAST FIVE: This is the most memorable film of the franchise for me. Because I saw it last night. (See related vlog, people.)

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