Tonn Slingdog Remembers the Franchises, Part VII: Transformers

Here’s my memories:

TRANSFORMERS – There were a lot of really loud cartoon robots with tons of spinning parts that turned from colorful metal walking things into shiny cars for fancy people. I remember being vaguely confused as to why the robots were actually aliens and why aliens might be robots instead of organic creatures of some kind. I say “vaguely” because I didn’t quite care enough to be actually confused. Also, I remember being vaguely concerned about what might have been racism and misogyny disguised as robots and while I remember that the story was supposed to be about robots in disguise because that was in the theme song from the old toy commercials, I don’t remember anything in the song saying it was supposed to be about racism and misogyny in disguise. The other thing I remember was Megan Fox bending over and Shia Labeouf screaming incessantly.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN – Everything I remember about this one is identical to my memories of the first one but with one addition: the filmmakers kept blaming the Writers’ Guild strike for the movie sucking so badly.

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON – Saw this one a week ago. Already the only memories I’ve retained are pretty much the same as the first two except I remember a giant building collapsing and all the yahoos in the cast were sliding all over the place and I kind of liked that. This one was just as much a mess as that last one, but I don’t remember any Writers’ Guild strike. Maybe it’s just that union writers can be as awful as non-union ones and it’s all a crapshoot? Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or maybe if you hit the right button somewhere these movies transform into really good robot shows. Who the hell knows.

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