Episode 25 of the Film Pigs Podcast features a game suggested to us by frequent site commenter God. The object is to create 3-word titles for fictitious Seagal-esque movie synopses. I added the bonus rule of extra points if the title was made up of single-syllable words.
Here are the 11 synopses I wrote for the game in their complete run-on sentence glory. Add your titles to the comments below to complete this BLOG FOR JUSTICE! (1 point)
- Steven Seagal is Jackson Steele, a retired CIA “wetworks” operative, who is brought out of retirement to hunt down the team he trained after they go rouge and steal a shipment of weapons-grade anthrax.
- Steven Seagal is Markus Blaze, a former Navy SEAL turned veterinarian in the Colorado mountains, he seeks only the quiet life when his best friend’s daughter, Seagal’s veterinarian assistant, is kidnapped by a meth-addled biker gang.
- Steven Seagal is Professor Nick Champion, a former FBI forensic scientist, who is brought out of retirement to investigate the assassination of the vice president, which leads to a conspiracy inside the government to kill the president as well.
- Steven Seagal is Brock Mountain, a former Marine sniper living the quiet life on an Indian reservation, he suddenly finds himself the target of a nationwide manhunt: he’s been framed for the assassination of a visiting foreign dignitary from a country suspected of harboring terrorists.
- Steven Seagal is Detective Lars Tanner, a maverick cop two weeks from retirement, who finds himself chasing his one unsolved case: a serial killer not active in years, but who now returns to taunt Det. Tanner with fresh victims.
- Steven Seagal is Chris Stark, a former Green Beret turned environmentalist, who finds himself in conflict with a huge pharmaceutical company and its army of mercenaries when he uncovers a plot to dump waste chemicals into a neighboring small town’s water supply.
- Steven Seagal is Bubba Drake, a disillusioned private military contractor turned blues musician, brought in for one last job in Eastern Europe to recover an escapee from a secret CIA prison who may or may not be a vampire.
- Steven Seagal is Carson Thorpe, a tough-as-nails cop who loves coaching his nephew’s soccer team, he sets his sights on revenge after a botched mob hit leaves his nephew clinging to life in intensive care while the criminals go free on a technicality.
- Steven Segal is Doctor Ron Striker, a former Air Force Pararescue Jumper suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, he’s forced to confront his demons when a group of domestic terrorists bring their war to the quiet dude ranch Striker has converted into a free health care clinic.
- Steven Segal is Diego Vartan, a Marine captain sentenced to life in prison for a crime he didn’t commit, he’s given a chance for freedom by the man who put him there – as long as Vartan goes on one last mission: supporting a conspiracy to overthrow the U.S. government.
- Steven Seagal is Detective Sam “Two Fists” Thunder, a former mixed martial artist and government agent, he now spends his days cleaning up the mean streets of Los Angeles, until his investigation of a new highly-lethal and environmentally dangerous synthetic drug leads him to a CIA conspiracy and the very people he used to work for.