The Most Important Debate Ever

Last night Todd and I got into a drunken argument over where is the best place to go in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse. I grab a boat and travel to an island free from zombies, remaining mobile for forays back to mainlands for supplies, if necessary. Todd goes to Montana or some other low-population area and builds a fortress.

Who is right? Me? Todd? Neither? Discuss.

30 thoughts on “The Most Important Debate Ever”

  1. Tropical island for sure. You can always built a fortress there if it turns out zombies can pilot a boat. It would even have easier access to supplies, since there would be plenty of deserted coastal resort towns you could forage in for champagne and lobster. Meanwhile, Todd will be fending off zombie Piggly Wiggly employees for a can of beans.

    Plus, the desperate-to-escape, bikini-clad honey population of Montana is effectively zero.

  2. Todd. Since zombies don’t need to breathe, they can easily navigate a body of water to swarm the island and where are you gonna go? You’re on an island.

  3. Cori is right. If (and when) I know a zombie apocalypse is coming I’ll be catching the first plane to Siberia.

    And I’ll take a blanket.

    Do zombies have blankets? I don’t think so!

    1. Uh-huh. You’re right. Calm down, Robb. Shh. Shh. You are right. Go to the island with Falk. You guys can fuck, happy in knowing that you were right. Until the zombies, which are dead and can walk underwater without drowning, find you on your magical desert island where everything is hot all the time. And Skelton and I, the retards, will be in a land where we can not only cultivate food, but will thank the heavens for long winters where things that aren’t warm blooded (like, say, dead people) freeze to death and are easy to destroy. God, I am so, so stupid. Because I think things out. According to logic. And reason. But enjoy your boat and all those “bikini clad babes that have somehow survived a zombie apocalypse despite the way bikini clad babes always seem to behave on reality shows.” Buh-bye, smartest man alive.

  4. Definitely an Island…Montana carries the risk of being anally violated by a zombified Heath Ledger who’s still in character as Ennis Del Mar. Mmmm, brains and anal rape.

  5. Question: Are these zombies the slow, ambling early Romero zombies or the more ambitious Snyder/Gunn zombies from the 2004 remake? Both versions are bad but the fast ones are way scarier.

    And forget Montana. Head for Alberta, because a frozen zombie is easy to decapitate.

  6. Screw all this – by the time science and technology have found a way to create zombies in the first place, there’s totally going to be a colony on Mars. Zombies can’t operate heavy machinery, no matter how fast they are.

    1. Yeah, but Mars has all those post-apocalyptic homicidal ghosts. Plus a malfunctioning exploration robot. And that asshole Cohaagen who won’t give you any air.

  7. I dunno, I think they’d both only buy you time… the island is just as bad, because the zombies can walk underwater and not worry about breathing. They’d get to you eventually, just by walking up the beach. At least with the fortress, you have a chance of fighting them off, and could see them coming–on the island, you’d be surrounded.

    The real question, then, is once they inevitably get to you, do you just off yourself or become ONE OF US…?

  8. You go north, not south. Get in the cold. The zombies will slow down and freeze eventually. The difficulty here is keeping your safe house/fortress/whatever up and running in such harsh conditions. And keeping good methods of getting fresh food and water, of course. Because if you’re in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere, you’re not gonna kip off to the supermarket for some groceries, ya know?

    But yeah, island = bad. Especially if they come in groups. And since they’ll be coming from the BOTTOM of the sea at you, you won’t see them until they break the water’s surface, probably. At least out in the middle of nowhere you can have a good 360-degree vision from your fort.

    Personally? I say go to Ayers Rock, fix it so that the sides are all vertical (so the zombies CAN’T get up) and go from there. You can hunt the billions of wild boars the Aussies hate so much. Hope ya like pork!

  9. Mobility has its plusses. But Fortresses are easier to maintain (need less in the way of nautical knowledge). Also, with all the detrius from post-apocalyptic mayhem, you could build a pretty kickass fortress. And though it gets cold in Montana… cold zombies equal extra slow zombies. I predict there’s an inverse correlation between the number of years after the zombiepocalypse and just how seriously you take the zombies. Especially from the top of the wall of your really very well fortified fortress. Which may be redundant.

  10. Well, first you have to raid a Mormon store house. Or, at the very least find a Walmart that isn’t completely overrun, which good luck on that one. Once you raid the store house it comes down to which is the best way to maintain.

    Since you have access to free transportation, with enough bravery on the part of the person willing to actually pump the gas or steal the vehicle, it becomes a matter of which direction to go in. Obviously, the cold will slow down your average humanoid zombies, but the ocean is vast and who knows how long it would take for the average zombie to figure out that they don’t need to breathe?

    I’m going to have to go with a fortress although not in Montana. Some area with mountainous and hilly regions so that you could see whats coming at you. The only real problem is the forced vegetarianism. You can’t really take the chance that the meat isn’t infected- and who wants to live life as a vegetarian? OK I will amend that to say- GOD I wouldn’t want to live as a vegetarian, so that means keeping and maintaining your own livestock.

    Which in the end means that you would eventually die from some type of E. coli or other animal based disease just when you thought you were safe.

    In a zombie apocalypse, there is no winner.

  11. Interesting choices but neither, frankly your modern zombies and rage infected monkey types are just too damn fast to make any fixed location truly secure. Better to live the Mad Max existence, foraging amid the ruins of dead civilization for the precious fuel.
    I see the Film Pigs as follows, with Todd as the Road Warrior, Falk as the Gyro Captain and Skelton as Lord Humongus. Now that’s living in a post apocalyptic world with style, and It’s got to beat living in some sort of Fraggle Rock lighthouse up to your arse in undead Muppets.

    1. That would be a good choice, assuming you had access to and could operate and maintain a nuclear icebreaker. And had whale harpooning skills. Personally, I can do neither. I can scuba dive and could probably learn to spear stuff in the water, but I can’t operate nuclear-powered vessels. I clearly picked the wrong college major.

      I think the only thing worse than being eaten alive by a zombie would be getting eaten alive by an underwater zombie while you were spearfishing. You’d get your brains eaten while drowning. Double suck.

      Then what if the zombie infection (assuming we’re going with the modern take of zombism being biological in nature) mutates to infect sea life? Then you’re stuck on a nuclear icebreaker surrounded by ZOMBIE GREAT WHITE SHARKS! In that case, I guess land wouldn’t be any better since you’d undoubtedly be hunted by ZOMBIE GRIZZLY BEARS! However, I’d love to watch either of those movies.

      Finally, you owe us an apology for making us watch 10,000BC.


      1. Hmm.. Think you’re really onto something there! The survivors would be like: Shitshitshit!!! A ZOMBIE BLUE WHALE!! Waaaaaa! Of course, you would be totally bad-ass if you harpooned that one..

        I guess the whole competence thing does kinda shoot the air out of my proposal.. I have to admit that I don’t know how to maintain a nuclear reactor myself. Plus, you have the risk of an alien virus from outer space infecting the onboard computersystems and turning everybody into cyborgs.. a common occurrence once the shit starts flying.

        When it comes to 10k BC.. HEHEhehe.. Wow, that was a shitty movie. I just had to make you guys watch it as I knew you would hate it with all your hearts. I’m glad I didn’t carry a sharp implement with me to the theater when I saw it.. I tried stabbing myself in my jugular with my cell, but that didn’t do much except give me a weird lightheaded feeling.

        However! When they brought out he shriveled-albino-dwarf-pygmy-eunuch, which they only kept in a “secret compartment” to tell of his past.. And he started telling his story with that shill voice.. Wow.. I hadn’t laughed so hard in a loooong time. The only reason he was alive was to tell of his past and he couldn’t even do that properly!

        Besides. Name one movie that had this much money pored into it and came out that bad. That’s the reason I won’t say sorry, because it was an historic epic fail. Like you have to know darkness to know light, you can’t know how good a movie is before you’ve seen the worst. Hey, at least it had giant killer ostriches..

  12. Oh, no question whatsoever; island, hands-down. Hopefully you’d have time to find one that is not only zombie-free but has fruit and coconut palm trees, so your forays into zombie-ville are kept to a bare minimum.

    Make sure to grab a case of sunscreen as you run screaming out of the killzone.

  13. Easy, I find Bear Grylls. He’ll know how to properly dismember zombies with a palm frond and then we can use them as kindling for a roaring fire. Marshmallows anyone?

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