Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #5: Hard Rain

What it says on the back of the case:

Get swept up in the action as Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Randy Quaid and Minnie Driver race against time and the elements in this high-energy thrill ride where survival and money are at the core of it all.

The setting is the flood-ravaged, evacuated town of Huntingburg, where Tom (Slater), an armored car driver, is in deep danger. A gang of thieves (led by Freeman) figures the flood is their chance to heist the money Tom is transporting from local banks. But there’s one thing the gun-carrying criminals didn’t count on – Tom. Come hell or high water, he’s determined to deliver the money entrusted to him. But before he does, he’ll have to survive a relentless pursuit filled with close calls, floods, uncertain loyalties and heart-stopping heroics.

And here’s what it should say:

Get swept up in the one movie that makes it clear why a lot of the current releases starring Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Randy “I Ain’t Paying My Hotel Bill” Quaid and Minnie Driver go straight to video. Watch them fill up running time in this color-by-numbers ride where money is at the core of it all.  In fact, at one point in the movie Morgan Freeman actually shouts, “We just want the money!”

The setting is the flood-ravaged, evacuated sound stage of some big studio lot, where Tom (Slater), an armored car driver, is in deep Jack Nicholson-aping mode. A gang of thieves (led by Freeman and a group of cynical marketing executives) figures the flood is their chance to heist the money Tom and that guy from The Mary Tyler Moore Show are transporting from local banks. But there’s one thing the gun-carrying criminals (as opposed to all the criminals you see in movies that don’t carry guns) didn’t count on – Tom. Come hell or high water, he’s determined to deliver the money entrusted to him (and sadly, this movie makes Armored, cinema’s most current armored car driver actioner, look like an even bigger piece of crap than it was.) But before he does, he’ll have to survive a relentless pursuit filled with close cliches, floods, uncertain cliches and heart-stopping cliches. But hey, all the chases involving motor boats and jet-skis are kind of fun.

Leave a comment or scream in ALL CAPS