Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: XXX

What it says on the box:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is a notorious underground thrill-seeker who, until now, has been deemed untouchable by the law. But when crack NSA Agent Gibbons convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring, this new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill ride from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious.

What it should say:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel, a man named after an internal combustion engine) is notorious for referring to himself in the third-person in interviews, and here he plays a character who does the same thing. He has been deemed untouchable by the law. (That last sentence is cool sounding string of words that makes no sense and means nothing.)  But when Sam Jackson, an actor who plays supporting roles in every single franchise he possibly can because eventually he hopes to have enough money to actually own the entire solar system, convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring that Asia Argento is a part of, but don’t think you’ll get to see her naked because even though this movie is called XXX it is rated PG-13, so if you want to see those boobies you’ll have to rent one of those Italian pictures she did with her father (which has got to qualify as one of the creepiest relationships since Woody Allen married his step-daughter.)  This new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX, which is a code name that means nothing but looks awesome splashed across billboards and makes people want to go to see it because it makes them think of porn) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill ride that you will only half pay attention to because when things aren’t exploding you’ll start thinking about your mortgage problems. It’s from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious. (By “acclaimed” we mean “has made the studio tons of money.”)

2 thoughts on “Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: XXX”

  1. You know, I always felt like that movie was clearly written as a parody, but that nobody making the movie KNEW it was a parody.

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