New Friday The 13th Cast

Sorry I let your retarded kid, drown, Mrs. V. I was too busy using my ab-cruncher and misting with Axe body spray to take my lifeguarding duties very seriously. By the way, have you met my one Asian friend? He’s chill. He’s opening up my eyes to other cultures, and junk. I even taught him how to achieve that awesome lead-singer-of-Creed hairdo that’ll make him more acceptable to the rest of us white people at Camp Crystal Lake. Hey, what are you doing with that giant knife. Wait! No! It wasn’t me. It was the black guy! Yeah, our scholarship kid James was supposed to be on lifeguard duty that day. No! Please! I have so much to live for! My lacrosse scholarship at Vandy is secure. My trust fund kicks in when I turn 21. My herpes is totes in remission! No, please. ARRGGGHHHH-GURGLE-GURGLE.

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5 Responses to New Friday The 13th Cast

  1. Colin says:

    Wow, just about all the ethnic groups are represented.

    Pat yourself on the back, Platinum Dunes, you soul-less hacks.

  2. Kieron says:

    Yeah, I’m going to miss that one. I’m more curious about the remake of My Bloody Valentine that’s in 3-D. It has to be as good Friday the 13th III in 3-D. Or at least Parasite in 3-D. Or maybe Metalstorm in 3-D. The bar is not set very high for 3-D movies these days.

  3. God says:

    A hardy haha. Not only do they have token black characters in horror films today but they also have token Asian characters. And the people who aren’t black or Asian all look the exact same. You can thank me for the diversity I put upon this earth.

  4. Akito says:

    So is a betting pool open for the order the minorities will die in or what? We know that only white people will survive to the end of a Ft13 movie. It’s just picking WHICH white people.

    So that’s a second betting pool, I guess.

    I’m gonna say that Aragorn-lookin’ motherfucker on the far right will be the male to survive. The plain, normal chicken behind the cutesy girl in front will be the female to live to fight another day.

  5. God says:

    The one on the left is obviously the slut who will die first after a bout of the kinky. The black guy will die shortly after having told Jason he “will bust a cap in yo ass.” The David Hasselholf look-a-like will die after foolishly thinking he can protect the remaining girls single handedly. And the Asian guy will die because he’s too busy doing maths or computers.

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