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This is it. All the posts to the Film Pigs site in one giant, cumbersome list.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #26 – P2 (2007)

Audio 8 Comments
poster_p2

Happy holidays Film Pigs fans! In keeping with our marginally adhered to tradition of Christmastime-themed commentaries for the season, we bring you P2. It’s a story of thrills, survival and impossibly perky cleavage.

Set in a strange, alternate-reality New York City where the streets are barren after 6pm and people actually apologize for acting like assholes at the Christmas party (translation: Toronto), P2 tells the cautionary tale of why you should never be trapped in a Canadian parking garage with a psychotic killer during the holiday season. But if you are, for God’s sake just have dinner with the guy. ‘Tis the season! (IMDb)

Here are some highlights:

  • Silly Elvis Impersonation By Crazy Man: 1
  • Amazingly Graphic Crushed To Death By Car Scene: 1
  • Stupidly Watertight Elevator: 1
  • Dog Stabbing: 1
  • Rolls Of Boob Tape: 4,017

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Blog

New Friday The 13th Cast

5 Comments

Sorry I let your retarded kid, drown, Mrs. V. I was too busy using my ab-cruncher and misting with Axe body spray to take my lifeguarding duties very seriously. By the way, have you met my one Asian friend? He’s chill. He’s opening up my eyes to other cultures, and junk. I even taught him how to achieve that awesome lead-singer-of-Creed hairdo that’ll make him more acceptable to the rest of us white people at Camp Crystal Lake. Hey, what are you doing with that giant knife. Wait! No! It wasn’t me. It was the black guy! Yeah, our scholarship kid James was supposed to be on lifeguard duty that day. No! Please! I have so much to live for! My lacrosse scholarship at Vandy is secure. My trust fund kicks in when I turn 21. My herpes is totes in remission! No, please. ARRGGGHHHH-GURGLE-GURGLE.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #25 – The Happening (2008)

Audio 12 Comments
poster_thehappening

M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! Those were the words that sent people to theaters in – what’s the opposite of “droves” – to experience some stupid thing about angry plants making people walk backwards before killing themselves. And Marky Mark as a science teacher. We know he’s smart because M. Knight makes him wear an awkward sweater vest.

Finally crossing the line into Ed Wood territory, Shyamalan actually expects the audience to feel fear and tension when he stages his characters running away from light breezes. Oh, and instead of a stupid twist ending, the ending is just stupid. In the end, The Happening has all the terror and gravity of a fabric softener commercial AND a criminally underused Alan Ruck. We love Alan Ruck. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.