Had to do it. It is Friday the 13th. This may be my favorite franchise of all time, not just because the acting is masterful and the scripting tight, but also these movies feature a meticulous attention to detail where the mythology is concerned. Here’s what I remember:
FRIDAY THE 13TH – There’s a bunch of camp counselors and one of them is Kevin Bacon and he wears a Speedo and it is clear he has either a large member or someone jammed a cucumber in there. Also, people were killed by some angry old lady with a dead retarded son. Or something. People smoked pot and had some sex, too, I think.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART 2 – The old lady from the first one lost her head so she wasn’t around to kill kids for the sequel, so they made up some kind of nonsense about how her retarded son wasn’t actually dead and he had survived and he is crazy and has a bag on his head and is going to kill that chick with the big fake ones who looks really cold during her extended skinny dipping sequence.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART 3-D – Pretty sure it’s called that because it was in 3-D, but the old kind with the paper glasses. And the retarded kid found a hockey mask and his name was Jason, which it was in the first two movies, but this was the first time anyone really paid any attention to that fact.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, THE FINAL CHAPTER – I remember Crispin Glover dancing around like a maniac. And one of those Corey kids was in it. I don’t know which the hell one, who can tell them apart? Anyway, I’m pretty sure this was the last chapter and all the movies that came after it were prequels. Or maybe I’m wrong about that. Doesn’t matter. Also, I don’t understand when feature films are referred to as “chapters.” That’s odd sounding.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART V: A NEW BEGINNING – I think it was really smart to switch from regular numerals to roman ones when naming these things. Gives it an air of class. Anyway, like the first one, the Jason dude isn’t killing anyone in this one. But someone dressed up like him is. And I think there are orphans or something. Anyway. I don’t want ruin anything by saying it’s the ambulance guy.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART VI: JASON LIVES – I think somehow Jason came back for this one. Don’t remember how. Something magic, maybe. Anyway, he kills a bunch of kids.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD – That’s a good title, because this series needed some new blood, because the old blood wasn’t shiny enough. In this one the blood is really, really shiny. Also, I think that guy from Weekend at Bernie’s is in this one, but when he gets killed he doesn’t get carried around or do any voodoo dancing, he just pretty much lies there and no one cares.
FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN – The thing I remember most about this one was that really Jason took a boat and then walked around Manhattan a little bit at the end, but he doesn’t really take the place. Again, he does take a boat. Maybe this is a minor quibble.
JASON GOES TO HELL – I don’t know why they stopped calling them Friday the 13th parts, but I suppose it doesn’t much matter. Although the roman numerals will be missed. Anyway, like the Manhattan one, Jason really doesn’t go to hell until the very end. And he thinks he’s Freddy Kruger or something because he jumps around from one body to the next through people’s dreams or something, I don’t get it. There’s a guy named Kipp in this movie. I went to college with him. We did a play. He’s all right.
JASON X – This one has Jason in space. There’s some naked boobs in space, too.
FREDDY VS. JASON – This one has Freddy as well as Jason, and they fight and stuff. Also, kids die.
FRIDAY THE 13TH – This one has the same title as the first one because they wanted to do a remake/reboot/reimagining thing. But I don’t think they could make up their minds because the credit sequence plays like the remake, and the twenty minutes after that feels like a reboot, and then the rest of the movie is the reimagining where Jason likes to kidnap girls now as well as kill kids. And I think some dude drank beer our of his dirty sneaker. Which made me feel sick to my stomach.