Tonn Slingdog Remembers the Franchises, Part Eight: Final Destination

My memory says these things:

FINAL DESTINATION – I remember actually being scared. It creeped me out. And had good gore, too. And a horrifying plane crash sequence at the beginning. And I remember thinking the lead actor was surprisingly good for a slasher movie and I was glad his character lived because talented and soulful actors are welcome anywhere, and especially rare in the horror genre. Of course, he wasn’t in any of the sequels. I don’t know why. Maybe he wanted too much money. Maybe he’s a drug addict or crazy or something. Or maybe, judging by the way the quality of acting seems to get a little bit worse with each installment, the producers wanted to “go in a different direction.”

FINAL DESTINATION 2 – This one had the most incredible car crash sequence I have ever seen. To this day. And the gore was amazing. I remember I saw a special screening for the cast and crew even though I wasn’t in the cast and crew because I had done another movie with one of the producers. It was very exciting. Everyone in the theater, like me, cracked up and hooted and hollered every time a really gory thing happened. That was fun. Pound for pound of flesh, this was probably the best of the sequels.

Final Destination 3 – This one would have been in 3-D if 3-D was the thing at the time because often the third movie in a franchise will be in 3-D because 3-D fits so neatly into the title. But also a lot of times now when they don’t do 3-D they will just jam the number of the movie into the title to make it seem cooler and less like a corporate money grab. That’s a silly trick. Anyway. There was a roller coaster crash. Kind of cool, but pale compared to the car crash in that last one.

The Final Destination – This was not the final destination. But it was in 3-D. But they couldn’t call it “Final Destination 3-D” because then people might think it was just the third one again but in 3-D. And they probably also thought it would be the last one. But then it made a lot of money because the gore was fun and the 3-D was kind of silly which is what 3-D should be because 3-D is stupid. Anyway. Some kid gets sucked into the bottom of a pool, I think. Hah.

Final Destination 5 – This one was also in 3-D but they didn’t call it Final Destination 3-D because of all that shit I said before. They also didn’t call it “Final Destination Reborn” even though the last one was supposed to be the last one. It was fun though. Really great bridge collapse in the beginning. Good gross-out deaths. It gets boring when people are talking instead of dying, but the same can be said about life in general, I guess. I’ll bet the next one will be “Final Destination 666” or something like that. Or maybe they’ll finally go with “Final Destination 3-D” because at that point who is really going to give a shit?

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