Commentary #27 – Twilight (2008)


You missed it. You demanded it. And now you have it: the first Film Pigs commentary in almost a year! Who would have thought it was possible to procrastinate so long on a money-losing hobby?

If you love dull, corporate movie adaptations of dull, corporate novels for teen girls then have we got a treat for you! Twilight, the blockbuster adaptation of the bestselling novel series, brings us the story of Bella, a pale girl who is not even slightly interesting and Edward, her vampire boyfriend who glows like David Bowie in the sunlight and has a severe allergic reaction to Bella’s pungent vagina. Additionally, they both have ludicrously manicured and highly distracting eyebrows.

Dull, inoffensive teen angst is the best you can hope for these days. It’s almost like movies are being made by marketing committees that are only concerned about how much money they can make. It’s weird. At the risk of sounding old (which isn’t a risk at all, the Film Pigs ARE old), when you put Twilight next to the teen angst vampire movie of our generation, The Lost Boys (1987), there really is no comparison. Jason Patric would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass any day of the week. And his eyebrows are dreamier.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

14 thoughts on “Commentary #27 – Twilight (2008)”

  1. God – so true on the Jason Patric point. Not to mention that Kiefer would headbutt him and eat him for lunch.

  2. Dude, THE LOST BOYS is legitimately the greatest horror/comedy of all time. Argue with me and you’re wrong.

    Also, anyone else notice how they’re cranking out these lame-ass TWILIGHT movies at record speed because they know that like any teen girl fad it could all end tomorrow?

    I’d be surprised if the fourth film doesn’t go DTV when the little girls move on to something else equally as insipid and Mormon-ish.

    1. It’s not just little girls. Today’s youth in general seem drawn to watered-down corporate productions so inoffensive that they’re little more than commercials for whatever products show up on screen. It used to be kids would go to movies that disgusted their parents. Now, they go to movies that bore their parents.

  3. Ah, excellent, excellent.

    There’s a watery sorta echo whenever people talk, though. Skelton, have you grown rusty in the ways of editing your audio? Be honest with us, mister, as we will know if you are lying. :T

    1. We usually record at Falk’s place, but this one was done at Todd and Hil’s house which has a larger living room (and I think the recorder was further away than usual). I guess that made things more echo-y. Plus, I have to crunch it down to 32Kbps so the file size is reasonable, and that probably doesn’t help.

      Also, tedious movies about angsty teens who have no real reason to be angsty because they’re rich causes interference in audio recordings.

  4. Muhahaha.

    I created the Twilight series to punish you all the wrongs the modern man has inflicted my world. Repent now and I may spare you some of the sequels.

    Colin – you WILL watch Twilight. I see what you do at night.

  5. You guys are fucking idiots.. Talking about and underaged girl that way, are you kidding me! Stupid assholes. Its not even commenting, ur just dissing the movie and the actors. Hope people talk about this about ur daughters. Would like to see ur reaction. Morons!

    1. O looks like we got a twilight fan. although she hates you guys she is still dumb enough to sit through the commentary. Got to love thats whats going to be running the world in the years to come.

      1. It’s funny, I really don’t understand the mentality of people who dislike our (or anyone’s) humble online efforts so much that they feel the need to leave entirely negative comments. Especially folks that go out of their way to tell us, often using insulting profanity, what horrible people we are. They are clearly not interested in any kind of conversation, they only want to shriek at someone who doesn’t like what they like.

        Also, Twilight sucks.

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