Tag Archives: Vagina

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer

What it says on the back of the DVD:

Gerard Butler (300, RocknRolla) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” Human controllers direct each though and move of real-life prison inmates battling in hyper-intense environments–where the goal is freedom and the penalty is death. But when Kable suddenly decides he wants out, his rebellion threates the twisted plans of game creator Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TV’s “Dexter”), who will stop at nothing to crush the renegade commando in this taut, adrenaline-packed action-thriller. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer

WTF: Avatar Making Depressed People More Depressed

Apparently, some folks are so overwhelmed by the special-effects in Avatar that they find life in the real world more depressing afterwards. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel any different about life in the real world after seeing Avatar. However, since reading this article about people being so emotionally affected by Avatar, I have fallen into a deep, deep depression.

On the upside, Jennifer Love Hewitt has bedazzled her vagina.

Via Huffington Post

Commentary – Twilight (2008)

poster_twilightYou missed it. You demanded it. And now you have it: the first Film Pigs commentary in almost a year! Who would have thought it was possible to procrastinate so long on a money-losing hobby?

If you love dull, corporate movie adaptations of dull, corporate novels for teen girls then have we got a treat for you! Twilight, the blockbuster adaptation of the bestselling novel series, brings us the story of Bella, a pale girl who is not even slightly interesting and Edward, her vampire boyfriend who glows like David Bowie in the sunlight and has a severe allergic reaction to Bella’s pungent vagina. Additionally, they both have ludicrously manicured and highly distracting eyebrows.

Dull, inoffensive teen angst is the best you can hope for these days. It’s almost like movies are being made by marketing committees that are only concerned about how much money they can make. It’s weird. At the risk of sounding old (which isn’t a risk at all, the Film Pigs ARE old), when you put Twilight next to the teen angst vampire movie of our generation, The Lost Boys (1987), there really is no comparison. Jason Patric would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass any day of the week. And his eyebrows are dreamier.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

Straight-to-DVD Corner With Todd: Scary Lady Parts!

Here’s a delectable “B” exploitation double feature for you: Trapped Ashes and Teeth.  Both feature female erogenous zones that hunger for human blood.  That’s right!  Even now, in a porn riddled world, sex is still terrifying!  And the most terrifying parts of sex are breasts and the vagina!  No, really!  Gross and horrifying!  Ewwwwww!  Vagina!

Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner With Todd: Scary Lady Parts!