Tag Archives: Confusion

Jeremy Renner Is Not Jason Bourne In New Bourne Movie

Jeremy Renner has been cast as the lead in the new, non-Greengrass, non-Damon Jason Bourne sequel, but is not playing Jason Bourne. Via Yahoo! Movies:

Universal couldn’t let such a profitable franchise die, though, so they gave Gilroy the director’s chair and set about casting a new lead, someone who is not Jason Bourne, but is certainly cut from his proverbial cloth.

Now, I am all for a Bourne movie without the annoying, action-destroying Paul Greengrass Super-Shaky-Cam, but a Bourne movie without Jason Bourne is kind of confusing. What’s the point? Other than the money, of course.


Commentary #29 – G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)


A new decade brings forth new life challenges. For the Film Pigs, this means sitting through the stupidest movie from the previous decade. It’s hard to quantify just how monumentally stupid G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is, but with a running time of two hours, there’s plenty of time to try.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?” take a drink.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Sean Penn to play Larry in Farrelly Bros. “The Three Stooges”

MGM and the Farrelly brothers are closing in on their cast for “The Three Stooges.”

Studio has set Sean Penn to play Larry, and negotiations are underway with Jim Carrey to play Curly, with the actor already making plans to gain 40 pounds to approximate the physical dimensions of Jerome “Curly” Howard.

The studio is zeroing in on Benicio Del Toro to play Moe. (from Variety)

My brain is preventing me from having an emotional reaction to this news, clearly protecting me from the inevitable confusion embolism.

Raping Matthew Modine with a Bear Suit

Nastassja Kinski in The Hotel New Hampshire

Yes, I realize this title looks offensive.  But I swear to you I don’t have anything against Matthew Modine, and I don’t think rape is funny (usually.)  But I’m compelled to deal with this issue anyway, for reasons I can’t quite explain.

Four weeks ago I watched a movie from the eighties called The Hotel New Hampshire.  I had no intention of writing about it because it seems completely irrelevent at this stage in time.  So irrelevent, in fact, that I saw this on my Tivo after recording it off of the Encore Love Channel almost two years ago.  The damn movie probably isn’t airing on that niche channel anymore, and I haven’t had premium channels for a long time, so the channel itself may not even exist anymore for all I know.

Why did I record it and watch it, then?  I saw the name while aimlessly searching for movies to record, and I had a vivid memory of the theatrical trailer.  The movie was sold as your basic eighties coming-of-age exploitation movie, and because I was a high school loser whose only shot at seeing naked boobs was in movies, I’m sure I wanted to see the hell out of it.  I never did, however, because when I expressed my interest to a friend, he informed me that the movie made no sense and had almost no boob shots.  Instead, I rented Screwballs and was extremely pleased.

Continue reading Raping Matthew Modine with a Bear Suit