poster_crankCrank is quite possibly the best movie ever made about a guy injected with a lethal dose of poison who goes on a rampage against his enemies but takes time out to bang Amy Smart in front of a crowd in Chinatown before falling to his death out of a helicopter. No one with any sense of moral decency or concern over the decline of our civilization should see this movie. It is that awesome. Girls in plastic bubbles: at least 3. Redeeming qualities: 0. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

Film Pigs featured in February’s Esquire magazine! (No, really…)

filmpigs_esquire_2007-FEBIn an unbelievable turn of events that can only be described as coincidental, the Film Pigs movie review vlogs have been featured in a moderately sarcastic graphic/column thing nearly half a page long in Esquire! To put things in proper perspective, there’s also a blurb about a DVD called “Cat Fights Unleashed” that appears to be about as large but with more copy. To join in on the fun, pick up the current issue of Esquire (the one with Sienna “I’m pretty so I guess I’m a movie star” Miller on the cover) or click on the image above to see full size.

MOVIE REVIEW: Rocky Balboa (2006)

The tagline for ‘Rocky Balboa’ is “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” Unfortunately, that’s true. 102 minutes of Sylvester Stallone’s transparent attempt to remain a star reached hilarity of Chekhovian proportions by about minute 50 and forced half of the Film Pigs to flee the theater in search of a bar. There, they attempted to “box” brain cells out of their heads with alcohol in a futile attempt to erase the images of Stallone’s reconstructed body from their memory. Guest Pig Andrew Kamenetzky remained, if only to see Apollo Creed’s old trainer Duke help Rocky through the shortest workout montage in history. All in all, a horrid experience that made the Film Pigs wish for the wit, charm, and craft of ‘Rocky V’. (IMDb)

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

poster_invasionusaIt’s beginning to look a lot like Norris! The Film Pigs celebrate the season with the festive holiday picture “Invasion U.S.A.” With the fierce demeanor of an indifferent koala, Chuck Norris saves America from the poorly-thought-out machinations of a Soviet terrorist and his band of extras from “The Warriors” with an empty, massive-stroke-like gaze and at least two kicks thrown by Norris himself. Once again, Chuck reaffirms the open-button shirt tucked neatly into your pants that is Freedom and the dense thicket of beard of Liberty for us all. Plus, holiday well-wishes to our fans. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).