MOVIE COMMENTARY: Hostel (2005)

poster_hostelAh, scenic Europe. The Old World charm, the cultural sophistication, the endless barrage of titty and gore. Truly, this is a Very Important Movie with a Timeless Message. That message: everyone in Europe wants to brutally murder anybody under 30 who’s wearing a backpack. They’re especially interested in poorly drawn characters of 2-dimensions or less who have wasted about 40 minutes on “character development” (meaning, lots of ‘what the?’ reactions to bare breasts and calling everything else ‘gay’) before the first drop of blood is seen. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for the Unrated Widescreen Cut DVD. According to the DVD jacket – “SickER and MORE Twisted Unrated”. TV’s Daniel Blau guest-comments and enjoys pizza rolls fresh from the oven!

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Brokeback Mountain (2005)

poster_brokebackmtnNo pun intended, but being a gay cowboy is really hard. Especially when you’ve only got a couple of camping trips to try and generate some kind of meaningful relationship with a guy who mumbles worse than Brando. Seriously, can anybody understand what the hell Heath Ledger is saying? Was it just a big misunderstanding? Did he really only want Jake Gyllenhaal’s dry cleaning? And where the hell was the posse? We thought this was a western. Even a gay western should have a posse. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: Crash (2004)

poster_crashTo call this movie ham-fisted would be an insult to the depth and subtlety you get from ham-fistedness. From its opening scene, Crash blunders through an endless series of tired racial stereotypes and preachy clichés like a fat kid in an oversized pair of moon boots, ultimately concluding that everyone on earth is not only racist but also an incompetent motorist. Best Picture 2006? What the fuck, America? And would somebody please get Thandie Newton a God-damn sandwich? (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: The Outsiders (1983)

poster_outsidersThe Film Pigs sit down with S.E. Hinton’s classic tale of cuddle-prone and generally shirtless street punks on the run for the self-defense murder of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog model. Hugs! (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for “The Outsiders – The Complete Novel (Two-Disc Special Edition)” DVD – not the theatrical release. Special features include deleted scenes and an all-new score, which sounds like the same 8-bars of surf music repeated incessantly. It’s so inappropriate for the movie we thought it was going to give our first guest commentator, Pamela Ribon, a heart attack or something.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

MOVIE COMMENTARY: It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

poster_wonderfullifeIs it just us or is “Pottersville,” the version of Bedford Falls where George Bailey never existed, the most AWESOME PLACE EVER?!!! It’s got neon lights, dance halls, and titty bars galore! For some reason George thinks life is better without those things, which makes him a douche bag. Pay attention to how much EVERYBODY in Bedford Falls drinks, even the endless stream of extras, and you’ll realize the reason it’s a wonderful life is alcoholism. And remember, what happens in Pottersville stays in Pottersville… (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).