Tag Archives: DVD Blurbs

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: Rollerball 2002

What it says on the back of the Blu-ray case:

From the director of Die Hard comes this high-octane thriller that “roars along at a…breakneck pace” (Los Angeles Times)! Starring Chris Klein (American Pie), Jean Reno (Ronin), LL Cool J (Charlie’s Angels), and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (X-men), Rollerball goes full-throttle from its death-defying opening until its explosive end!

Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: Rollerball 2002

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: XXX

What it says on the box:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is a notorious underground thrill-seeker who, until now, has been deemed untouchable by the law. But when crack NSA Agent Gibbons convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring, this new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill ride from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious.

What it should say:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel, a man named after an internal combustion engine) is notorious for referring to himself in the third-person in interviews, and here he plays a character who does the same thing. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: XXX

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #7: Terminal Velocity

What the back of the DVD case says:

Dynamic Charlie Sheen (The Three Musketeers, Young Guns, TV’s Spin City) delivers fast-paced excitement to this high-flying action-adventure! Sheen stas as Ditch Brodie, a daredevil skydiving instructor who falls hard when a sexy, mysterious beauty (Nastassja Kinski) walks through his door looking for a lesson–and apparently plunges to her death during a parachute jump! Suddenly, Sheen finds himself hurled headlong into a nightmare world of intrigue and deceit–caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the Russian mafia! With pulse-pounding suspense and sensational skydiving, high-speed adventrue doesn’t move any faster than Terminal Velocity!

What it should say:

Charlie Sheen is crazy!

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #6: John Carpenter’s The Thing (Blu-ray)

What it says on the back of the plastic, environmentally irresponsible packaging:

Horror-meister John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape From New York) teams Kurt Russell’s outstanding performance with incredible visuals to build this chilling version of the classic The Thing. In the winter of 1982, a twelve-man research team at a remote Antartic research station discovers an alien buried in the snow for over 100,000 years. Once unfrozen, the form-changing alien wreaks havoc, creates terror, and becomes one of them.

What it should say: Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #6: John Carpenter’s The Thing (Blu-ray)

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer

What it says on the back of the DVD:

Gerard Butler (300, RocknRolla) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” Human controllers direct each though and move of real-life prison inmates battling in hyper-intense environments–where the goal is freedom and the penalty is death. But when Kable suddenly decides he wants out, his rebellion threates the twisted plans of game creator Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TV’s “Dexter”), who will stop at nothing to crush the renegade commando in this taut, adrenaline-packed action-thriller. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer