Due to a terrible, alcohol fueled argument before we started vlogging, the Pigs found themselves in a crankier than normal place. In essence, Shutter Island drove a wedge between them. We guess the twist ending of Shutter Island is that it destroys friendships. Jesus, the band is breaking up! Martin Scorcese is our Yoko. But whatever, here it is anyway.
The Pigs walk in with medium hopes and emerge as grumpy Smurfs. This one will piss people off. We’re sorryish. (IMDb)
The Film Pigs trudge to the cineplex with a vain hope that they will be treated to the Reservoir Dogs/Pulp Fiction Quentin Tarantino but get Death Proof Quentin instead. Nazi-nazi-nazi. Talk-talk-talk. Bore-bore-bore. Explosion. Scalping. Sigh… (IMDb)
Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Most Pointless Remake
You missed it. You demanded it. And now you have it: the first Film Pigs commentary in almost a year! Who would have thought it was possible to procrastinate so long on a money-losing hobby?
If you love dull, corporate movie adaptations of dull, corporate novels for teen girls then have we got a treat for you! Twilight, the blockbuster adaptation of the bestselling novel series, brings us the story of Bella, a pale girl who is not even slightly interesting and Edward, her vampire boyfriend who glows like David Bowie in the sunlight and has a severe allergic reaction to Bella’s pungent vagina. Additionally, they both have ludicrously manicured and highly distracting eyebrows.
Dull, inoffensive teen angst is the best you can hope for these days. It’s almost like movies are being made by marketing committees that are only concerned about how much money they can make. It’s weird. At the risk of sounding old (which isn’t a risk at all, the Film Pigs ARE old), when you put Twilight next to the teen angst vampire movie of our generation, The Lost Boys (1987), there really is no comparison. Jason Patric would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass any day of the week. And his eyebrows are dreamier.
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).
The two Steves wind up stretching out over several of the cozy Arclight theater seats and catching some shut eye while Todd enjoys Vin Diesel as best he can. Question for America: why do you keep sending Hollywood the message that you want more like “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” “Knowing,” and “Fast and Furious,” when you could have gone with “I Love You, Man” or “Adventureland?” We’re not judging you. We just want to understand. (IMDb)
Featured Film Pigs Listicle: Favorite Mumbly Action Star Of All Time
- Sam Shepard in a western is always awesome. Even that silly one about history’s most famous gunslingers stuck in purgatory.
- Brad Pitt is a pretty menacing and unstable Jesse James.
- Casey Affleck’s Creepy Nervous Smile™.