An Open Love Letter To Pete and Laxdude

poster_bratzDearest Pete and Laxdude,

Forgive the time it’s taken me to write this heartfelt love letter that Stephen Falk promised I would write to anyone who watched all of Bratz (right after he threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed my actual two-year-old.)  I have been quite busy not making any money.

It’s Pigs fans like you that make it all worthwhile.  Pete, your dedication to listening to our drunken ramblings during mostly horrid picture shows warms my cockles.  (Not a dirty word.  Look it up.  Freak.)  And Laxdude, your love of pie and the guy who played the station manager in the indie feature Buttleman along with your dislike of Lunchables makes us kindred spirits (although I find all three forms of Battlestar Galactica’s incredibly long stretches without space battles eternally frustrating, I have no idea what the difference is between union and league rugby, and I find it disconcerting that you paid money to see Hot Rod.  But, still.  Kindred spirits.)

So, here I am at an impasse.  Can a person have two soul mates?  Could both of you, Pete and Laxdude, be “the one” meant for me?  Or do I have to decide between you?  Or should I just stick with my wife?  I only see one way for me to clarify the situation.  There must be a contest.  If you are “the one”, then you will have to show your dedication to me in a great test of will.  You must attend a triple feature of Meet Dave, Step Brothers, and Swing Vote.  You must do it completely sober.  And your only sustenance during the triple feature will be concession stand hot dogs and Mr. Pibb.  Whoever makes it without crying and/or stabbing his eyes out is the man for me.  If both of you make it, well, then clearly you are meant for each other and not for me.  So I’ll stick with the wife.

Good luck, lovers!


P.S. Hey, Laxdude, does your moniker mean you live near the Los Angeles airport, or that you take a lot of laxatives?  I must know.

P.P.S. And Sav-vy-Dubya, sorry this took so long, but I had no idea you were owed mention on the love letter.  So here it is.  And the fact that you think Gilbert Gottfried is the greatest actor of all time and the fact that you prefer pissing in the sink don’t bother me in the least, but Cop and a Half?  I mean, with such a library of Burt Reynolds wonderments to choose from, that’s the one?  What about Heat? Malone?

5 thoughts on “An Open Love Letter To Pete and Laxdude”

  1. That was beautiful but not even your love Todd will convince me to attend that triple feature sorry.

  2. That was disgusting, Todd, but also somehow very touching. I believe “Lax” refers to the game of lacrosse — the one the Duke guys who totally did not rape that stripper played.

  3. Aw. I return to the internet too late to get in on the fun.

    I believe the reason why Todd must know about the ‘lax’ is due to all the snack-induced diarrhea brought on by Skelton Whiplash and his schemes for world domination. …Via upset stomach, I guess.

    Anyway, kindred spirits through peeing out your ass. <3 It warms my heart. And my nether regions!

  4. I’m shamed. Where’s mine?

    That’s fine. The e-mail I sent probably either came too late or it didn’t go through, but I wouldn’t know since I know almost nothing about how computers work. Still can’t get enough of that commentary, so other than my shame, no problems here.

  5. Sorry for being a rude suitor and not checking for a reply.

    Falk is right, the lax stands for lacrosse. Sadly though I do not play the rape happy pussy field version of the game, but the indoor lots of hitting hockey version.

    I also did not pay money to see Hot Rod…well, I did pay for the cable it was on…it sounded good, and the remote was way over on the other side of the chesterfield. It was also weird to see my drive by car in a back ground shot…if only I had known I could have helped save the future.

    Never again shall I see a movie with Will Arnett in it…unless it is Arrested Development.

    And I shall have to bow out of the contest for Mister Pibb, not even it’s name brand kin the good Doctor of Pepper, is available in Canadian theatres. I shall stick with my wife and kids.

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