Dearest Pete and Laxdude,
Forgive the time it’s taken me to write this heartfelt love letter that Stephen Falk promised I would write to anyone who watched all of Bratz (right after he threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed my actual two-year-old.) I have been quite busy not making any money.
It’s Pigs fans like you that make it all worthwhile. Pete, your dedication to listening to our drunken ramblings during mostly horrid picture shows warms my cockles. (Not a dirty word. Look it up. Freak.) And Laxdude, your love of pie and the guy who played the station manager in the indie feature Buttleman along with your dislike of Lunchables makes us kindred spirits (although I find all three forms of Battlestar Galactica’s incredibly long stretches without space battles eternally frustrating, I have no idea what the difference is between union and league rugby, and I find it disconcerting that you paid money to see Hot Rod. But, still. Kindred spirits.)
So, here I am at an impasse. Can a person have two soul mates? Could both of you, Pete and Laxdude, be “the one” meant for me? Or do I have to decide between you? Or should I just stick with my wife? I only see one way for me to clarify the situation. There must be a contest. If you are “the one”, then you will have to show your dedication to me in a great test of will. You must attend a triple feature of Meet Dave, Step Brothers, and Swing Vote. You must do it completely sober. And your only sustenance during the triple feature will be concession stand hot dogs and Mr. Pibb. Whoever makes it without crying and/or stabbing his eyes out is the man for me. If both of you make it, well, then clearly you are meant for each other and not for me. So I’ll stick with the wife.
Good luck, lovers!
P.S. Hey, Laxdude, does your moniker mean you live near the Los Angeles airport, or that you take a lot of laxatives? I must know.
P.P.S. And Sav-vy-Dubya, sorry this took so long, but I had no idea you were owed mention on the love letter. So here it is. And the fact that you think Gilbert Gottfried is the greatest actor of all time and the fact that you prefer pissing in the sink don’t bother me in the least, but Cop and a Half? I mean, with such a library of Burt Reynolds wonderments to choose from, that’s the one? What about Heat? Malone?