On each episode of The Film Pigs Podcast we put film professionals on trial for crimes against cinema. If the verdict is guilty, the sentence is incarceration in the Robert De Niro Maximum Security Federal Penitentiary and Hollywood feels the righteous power of Lady Justice.
Robert De Niro Maximum Security Federal Penitentiary
INMATE ROLL CALL:
- Bruce Willis (IMDb) sentenced to minimum security for abandoning the charming characters that defined his early career in favor of dour, world-weary, characters that seem to reflect his own personal disinterest in what he’s doing (see Harrison Ford Syndrome). Eligible for parole in 1 year or after RED 2 is released, whichever comes first. Incarcerated 5/15/2013.
- Kevin Smith (IMDb) sentenced to maximum security forever for no reason, no case presented, after court realizes he hadn’t yet been put in Movie Jail. Incarcerated 12/26/2012.
- Seth Rogen (IMDb) prosecuted to fill the empty minimum security cell formerly occupied by Judd Apatow but ultimately released with a warning to lay off the weed after the court realizes Kevin Smith is not yet in Movie Jail. Rogan’s laugh, however, is locked up in maximum security for life. Incarcerated 12/26/2012.
- Damon Lindelof (IMDb). Thrown in jail as an afterthought during Ridley Scott’s parole hearing. It’s unclear whether he was supposed to go to minimum or maximum security so he is remanded to the maximum security wing for writing scripts that use tired sci-fi tropes and failing to create characters with clear motivations and stories that have any kind of logical, satisfying endings. Hauled out of court and into jail by an angry mob on 6/25/2012.
- Michael Mann (IMDb). Sentenced to one year in minimum security to cool down and take some classes so he’s not so much of a jerk to work with. Maybe then his movies will make money. Sentenced 5/29/2012.
- Rob Reiner (IMDb). Sentenced to the Minimum Security Wing for turning out middling studio fare and not living up to the legacy of his amazing early cross-genre work. His cell contains a television that plays his early movies on repeat 24/7. Sentenced 3/1/2012.
- James L. Brooks (IMDb). Sentenced to the Maximum Security for coasting on the Simpsons and not having made a truly great movie since Broadcast News. Sentenced 2/17/2012.
- Sam Worthington (IMDb). Sentenced to Maximum Security for being excessively bland while handsome. Movie stars should be pretty AND interesting. Sentenced 2/3/2012.
- Jonathan Liebesman (IMDb). Sentenced to life in Maximum Security/Hannibal Lecter Hall, for an inability to articulate his approach to or execution of Battle: Los Angeles, making him a danger to himself and others. Incarcerated 01/04/2012.
- Dennis Dugan (IMDb). Maximum security wing, consecutive life sentences with no chance of parole. Mainly due to anything from his resume in the last 10 years. Incarcerated 10/29/2011.
- Adam Sandler (IMDb). Maximum security wing until he makes a choice between studio comedies/no more movies for friends & low-budget comedies/movies for friends straight to DVD. It is unlawful for him to do both. Incarcerated 9/17/2011.
- Kevin Costner (IMDb). Minimum security wing for 1 year. Upon release, on parole for 5 years where he cannot direct and must find a solid sports movie where he plays the washed-up coach. Also, no country rock band. Incarcerated 9/3/2011.
- Jennifer Aniston (IMDb). Minimum security wing for at least a year, so she has time to think about maybe ditching bland studio comedies and getting back to indie movies, and to stop being so sour when fun people like Jon Stewart interview her. Incarcerated 8/24/2011.
- Barry Sonnenfeld (IMDb). Minimum security wing, in recognition for his incredible work as a cinematographer. Jailed for many reasons, but “Wild, Wild, West” and “RV” should be explanation enough. Incarcerated 7/29/2011.
- George Lucas (IMDb). Placed in protective custody in maximum security wing. I think we all know why. Incarcerated 7/12/2011.
- America’s Movie Critics. Rounded up into “Re-Education Camp” in empty lot next to penitentiary where they will stay until they start critiquing movies from the perspective of film history and artistic merit instead of going along with what’s popular like high school kids. Also, they will be chased by angry dogs once a day. Incarcerated 6/25/2011.
- Katherine Heigl (IMDb). Maximum security wing, until she stops complaining and takes an actual acting risk or just admits to doing movies for the huge payday. Incarcerated 6/8/2011.
- Nicolas Cage (IMDb). Drunk tank, until he learns to pick better projects and stop wasting so much of his money. Incarcerated 5/25/2011.
- Zack Snyder (IMDb). Maximum security wing, behind bars until he abandons comic panel recreations and gets back to story-first filmmaking. Incarcerated 5/11/2011.
- Judd Apatow (IMDb). Minimum security wing, parole will be granted when he stops producing any comedy placed in his lap and gets back to creating the strong character-driven comedies we loved. Incarcerated 4/27/2011. UPDATE: Moved from minimum security to maximum security because he has become a danger to himself after release of the mirthless and indulgent and long THIS IS 40. Eligible for parole in 2 years, as long as he shows genuine remorse and promises to never make any movies longer than 90 minutes. Resentenced 12/26/2012.
- Cameron Crowe (IMDb). Maximum security wing, parole will be granted when he stops making movies like Vanilla Sky. Incarcerated 4/6/2011.
- Jay Roach (IMDb). Maximum security wing, no parole until he stops making dull studio comedies. Incarcerated 3/23/2011.
- James Cameron (IMDb). Maximum security wing, life sentence. No parole hearing until at least those other two fucking Avatar movies have been released and are rerunning on KDOC. Incarcerated 3/2/2011.
- Mark Duplass (IMDb) & Jay Duplass (IMDb). Minimum security wing, possibility of parole if their new movie has an actual script. Incarcerated 2/19/2011.
- Robert Downey Jr. (IMDb). Drunk tank, sleeping it off until he’s not so much of a douche. Incarcerated 1/31/2011.
- Robert De Niro (IMDb). Maximum security wing, life sentence with no possibility of parole. He’s in the hole, deep solitary, 24-hour lockdown, no contact with other inmates. Incarcerated 1/31/2011.
- Ridley Scott (IMDb). On parole, but must wear ankle bracelet until Prometheus comes out. If it is a return to form, and not a desperate cash-in on his early masterpieces, he’ll be free to go. Sentenced 11/10/2011. Parole upheld 6/25/2011. Scott will remain on parole until his Blade Runner sequel is released. If that one sucks, he goes straight to prison without trial.
- John Singleton (IMDb). On parole until he stops making bland studio movies for the paycheck and goes back to telling personal stories. Must wear ankle bracelet that sounds an alarm if he sets foot on a major studio lot. Sentenced 9/30/2011.
- John Cusack (IMDb). He’s cool, as long as his pee is clean. Sentenced 1/31/2011.
UNDERGOING FEDERAL INVESTIGATION:
- Marketing Department For Motion Picture “HUGO” (IMDb). Not incarcerated, but subject of an ongoing federal investigation to determine the need for regulations concerning what a film’s marketing department can claim about a movie’s content. “HUGO” marketing department singled out because the movie trailer promised a family-friendly adventure with a magical mechanical man when the movie was really about a sad old guy in a train station. Also of interest to the investigation is the marketing department for “DRIVE”. Investigation begun 12/8/2011.
- Fines levied against “American Pie presents” (IMDb) and Wes Craven (IMDb) for the cheap trick of slapping their names on productions they have little to do with other than having their names above the title. Guillermo del Toro (IMDb)and Quentin Tarantino (IMDb) are given warnings. Fined 2/1/2013.
- Jeff Bridges (IMDb). Fined by the court due to his excessive commercial work taking jobs away from struggling scale actors. No jail time, but money from his battery and car commercials will go to fund a poor actor’s old folks home. Or something like that – this was a very confusing case. Fined 5/7/2012.
RELEASED, DEBT TO SOCIETY PAID:
- Nobody. No one has paid their debt to society. It’s sickening.