On each episode of The Film Pigs Podcast we put film professionals on trial for crimes against cinema. If the verdict is guilty, the sentence is incarceration in the Robert De Niro Maximum Security Federal Penitentiary and Hollywood feels the righteous power of Lady Justice.
Robert De Niro Maximum Security Federal Penitentiary
INMATE ROLL CALL:
- Bruce Willis (IMDb) sentenced to minimum security for abandoning the charming characters that defined his early career in favor of dour, world-weary, characters that seem to reflect his own personal disinterest in what he’s doing (see Harrison Ford Syndrome). Eligible for parole in 1 year or after RED 2 is released, whichever comes first. Incarcerated 5/15/2013.
- Kevin Smith (IMDb) sentenced to maximum security forever for no reason, no case presented, after court realizes he hadn’t yet been put in Movie Jail. Incarcerated 12/26/2012.
- Seth Rogen (IMDb) prosecuted to fill the empty minimum security cell formerly occupied by Judd Apatow but ultimately released with a warning to lay off the weed after the court realizes Kevin Smith is not yet in Movie Jail. Rogan’s laugh, however, is locked up in maximum security for life. Incarcerated 12/26/2012.
- Damon Lindelof (IMDb). Thrown in jail as an afterthought during Ridley Scott’s parole hearing. It’s unclear whether he was supposed to go to minimum or maximum security so he is remanded to the maximum security wing for writing scripts that use tired sci-fi tropes and failing to create characters with clear motivations and stories that have any kind of logical, satisfying endings. Hauled out of court and into jail by an angry mob on 6/25/2012.
- Michael Mann (IMDb). Sentenced to one year in minimum security to cool down and take some classes so he’s not so much of a jerk to work with. Maybe then his movies will make money. Sentenced 5/29/2012.
- Rob Reiner (IMDb). Sentenced to the Minimum Security Wing for turning out middling studio fare and not living up to the legacy of his amazing early cross-genre work. His cell contains a television that plays his early movies on repeat 24/7. Sentenced 3/1/2012.
- James L. Brooks (IMDb). Sentenced to the Maximum Security for coasting on the Simpsons and not having made a truly great movie since Broadcast News. Sentenced 2/17/2012.
- Sam Worthington (IMDb). Sentenced to Maximum Security for being excessively bland while handsome. Movie stars should be pretty AND interesting. Sentenced 2/3/2012.
- Jonathan Liebesman (IMDb). Sentenced to life in Maximum Security/Hannibal Lecter Hall, for an inability to articulate his approach to or execution of Battle: Los Angeles, making him a danger to himself and others. Incarcerated 01/04/2012.
- Dennis Dugan (IMDb). Maximum security wing, consecutive life sentences with no chance of parole. Mainly due to anything from his resume in the last 10 years. Incarcerated 10/29/2011.
- Adam Sandler (IMDb). Maximum security wing until he makes a choice between studio comedies/no more movies for friends & low-budget comedies/movies for friends straight to DVD. It is unlawful for him to do both. Incarcerated 9/17/2011.
- Kevin Costner (IMDb). Minimum security wing for 1 year. Upon release, on parole for 5 years where he cannot direct and must find a solid sports movie where he plays the washed-up coach. Also, no country rock band. Incarcerated 9/3/2011.
- Jennifer Aniston (IMDb). Minimum security wing for at least a year, so she has time to think about maybe ditching bland studio comedies and getting back to indie movies, and to stop being so sour when fun people like Jon Stewart interview her. Incarcerated 8/24/2011.
- Barry Sonnenfeld (IMDb). Minimum security wing, in recognition for his incredible work as a cinematographer. Jailed for many reasons, but “Wild, Wild, West” and “RV” should be explanation enough. Incarcerated 7/29/2011.
- George Lucas (IMDb). Placed in protective custody in maximum security wing. I think we all know why. Incarcerated 7/12/2011.
- America’s Movie Critics. Rounded up into “Re-Education Camp” in empty lot next to penitentiary where they will stay until they start critiquing movies from the perspective of film history and artistic merit instead of going along with what’s popular like high school kids. Also, they will be chased by angry dogs once a day. Incarcerated 6/25/2011.
- Katherine Heigl (IMDb). Maximum security wing, until she stops complaining and takes an actual acting risk or just admits to doing movies for the huge payday. Incarcerated 6/8/2011.
- Nicolas Cage (IMDb). Drunk tank, until he learns to pick better projects and stop wasting so much of his money. Incarcerated 5/25/2011.
- Zack Snyder (IMDb). Maximum security wing, behind bars until he abandons comic panel recreations and gets back to story-first filmmaking. Incarcerated 5/11/2011.
- Judd Apatow (IMDb). Minimum security wing, parole will be granted when he stops producing any comedy placed in his lap and gets back to creating the strong character-driven comedies we loved. Incarcerated 4/27/2011. UPDATE: Moved from minimum security to maximum security because he has become a danger to himself after release of the mirthless and indulgent and long THIS IS 40. Eligible for parole in 2 years, as long as he shows genuine remorse and promises to never make any movies longer than 90 minutes. Resentenced 12/26/2012.
- Cameron Crowe (IMDb). Maximum security wing, parole will be granted when he stops making movies like Vanilla Sky. Incarcerated 4/6/2011.
- Jay Roach (IMDb). Maximum security wing, no parole until he stops making dull studio comedies. Incarcerated 3/23/2011.
- James Cameron (IMDb). Maximum security wing, life sentence. No parole hearing until at least those other two fucking Avatar movies have been released and are rerunning on KDOC. Incarcerated 3/2/2011.
- Mark Duplass (IMDb) & Jay Duplass (IMDb). Minimum security wing, possibility of parole if their new movie has an actual script. Incarcerated 2/19/2011.
- Robert Downey Jr. (IMDb). Drunk tank, sleeping it off until he’s not so much of a douche. Incarcerated 1/31/2011.
- Robert De Niro (IMDb). Maximum security wing, life sentence with no possibility of parole. He’s in the hole, deep solitary, 24-hour lockdown, no contact with other inmates. Incarcerated 1/31/2011.
ON PAROLE:
- Ridley Scott (IMDb). On parole, but must wear ankle bracelet until Prometheus comes out. If it is a return to form, and not a desperate cash-in on his early masterpieces, he’ll be free to go. Sentenced 11/10/2011. Parole upheld 6/25/2011. Scott will remain on parole until his Blade Runner sequel is released. If that one sucks, he goes straight to prison without trial.
- John Singleton (IMDb). On parole until he stops making bland studio movies for the paycheck and goes back to telling personal stories. Must wear ankle bracelet that sounds an alarm if he sets foot on a major studio lot. Sentenced 9/30/2011.
- John Cusack (IMDb). He’s cool, as long as his pee is clean. Sentenced 1/31/2011.
UNDERGOING FEDERAL INVESTIGATION:
- Marketing Department For Motion Picture “HUGO” (IMDb). Not incarcerated, but subject of an ongoing federal investigation to determine the need for regulations concerning what a film’s marketing department can claim about a movie’s content. “HUGO” marketing department singled out because the movie trailer promised a family-friendly adventure with a magical mechanical man when the movie was really about a sad old guy in a train station. Also of interest to the investigation is the marketing department for “DRIVE”. Investigation begun 12/8/2011.
MISCELLANEOUS PUNISHMENTS:
- Fines levied against “American Pie presents” (IMDb) and Wes Craven (IMDb) for the cheap trick of slapping their names on productions they have little to do with other than having their names above the title. Guillermo del Toro (IMDb)and Quentin Tarantino (IMDb) are given warnings. Fined 2/1/2013.
- Jeff Bridges (IMDb). Fined by the court due to his excessive commercial work taking jobs away from struggling scale actors. No jail time, but money from his battery and car commercials will go to fund a poor actor’s old folks home. Or something like that – this was a very confusing case. Fined 5/7/2012.
RELEASED, DEBT TO SOCIETY PAID:
- Nobody. No one has paid their debt to society. It’s sickening.
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This is by far the most unrealistic jail I have ever seen. All the inmates are rich, middle-aged white guys!
Hey, God? Katherine Heigl isn’t a guy. (Or maybe you know something you’re not telling..?)
How is M. Night Shyamalan not in Movie Jail yet? He should have his own wing!
To be fair, God commented before Ms. Heigl was incarcerated. Although, her career seems to have been constructed my rich, middle-aged white guys.
Currently, we consider THE LAST AIRBENDER to be punishment enough for Mr. Shyamalan.
M Night Shyamalan needs to be in there. period.
Also, Judd Apatow should be released, as Bridesmaids was great. No, really. It was fucking great, and if you don’t get that because you don’t get women’s humour, than good luck every getting any hot sex from a woman you’re in a relationship with.
And Robert Downey Jr. gets a forever pass, because he did Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And Iron Man was pretty fun. Release Mumia Ab…I mean, Robert Downey Jr!
I think we’ve been avoiding Shyamalan because the case against him is just too easy.
At the risk of arbitrarily decreed no hot sex ever again, I think I have to stand by my opinion that BRIDESMAIDS wasn’t funny and is not grounds for releasing Apatow. I found the movie too wrapped up in its plot to leave room for much humor and I thought Kristin Wiig’s performance was far too depressing to be funny.
However, the Pigs are glad the movie was a success because that means studios will be more willing to take a chance on women-driven comedies in the future, something that is sorely lacking in Hollywood.
And I don’t believe in the concept of “women humor” or “guy humor”, only what you find funny and don’t find funny, what is well-written/performed and what is not. I didn’t like BRIDESMAIDS, not because I didn’t “get” the “women humor” but because I didn’t think the characters or jokes worked. On the other hand, I am a huge fan of the BBC show PULLING for the opposite reasons.
Since his latest Sherlock Holmes movie was silly fun, maybe it’s time Downey Jr. had a parole hearing…
Is it possible to deliver additional punish to Katherine Heigl for ONE FOR THE MONEY?
My theory: Shyamalan makes good entertaining movies and is a competent, artistic director with a unique, engaging style. He writes a bizarre script called “Lady in The Water.” It is a rough draft but before he gets around to a second, an alien from space body snatches him. This alien goes on to make “Lady.” The script is interesting but messy and the characters are completely blank and inhuman because a space alien directed them. The space alien decides to make a “sci-fi” movie. Thus “The Happening” is unleashed upon mankind. It’s Shyamalan’s first truly terrible film because he didn’t write it, his double did, who isn’t the most coherent or intelligent space alien. Now the alien thinks he’s made it big and goes on to direct a big-budget Nickelodeon kids film, because that’s what auteurs do, right? Perhaps Shyamalan has escaped the basement, killed his double and is now slowly recovering his health. “Devil” wasn’t awful, even though he only helped out a bit with it.
The only problem with your theory is it doesn’t explain “Signs” or “The Village”.
(I actually kind of enjoy “Signs”, but it is pure Spielberg rip-off way more than his other movies, and it really makes no sense at all if you spend more than three nanoseconds thinking about the logic of the aliens invading a planet that is mostly poisonous to them. And them being baffled by doorknobs.)
The science fiction side of Signs dosn’t bother me much. If the unknown has trouble with doorknobs or dosn’t know water hurts it, I’m ok with that. It’s the unknown and I don’t care. What really works in Signs for me is the emotional element. For me, Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix just really deliver in their roles. Also, I’m a Christian and a Calvanist and the ending, presenting a God that is sovereign over all things and works all things for good, really resonates with me. The Village is also for me about emotion. The plot and the world is a bit off kilter, but the love story and the solid, extremely emotional acting just chokes me up every time, and the music and cinematography are so striking. I think Shymalan has always been a director who puts emotional tone ahead of plot believability. The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable were less genre pictures than they were portraits of hurting people finding atonement. Neither of them make much sense, but they resonate so well.
I really liked his movies up to and including LITW. A big part of the reason was that every shot looked like they had be carefully planned and executed and he had a definite style. The pacing too was like a finely tuned watched. THE HAPPENING and THE LAST AIRBENDER looked like he didn’t care and could have been churned out by Jon Turteltaub.
Really can’t get on board with “The Village” – for me that was the movie where Shyamalan’s directing became such a mess that I couldn’t take his movies seriously anymore. I think maybe it’s because he seems to have learned his entire set of directing skills from all of Spielberg’s bad habits. Your comment about him putting emotional tone over plot was spot on – but I think that’s a sign of a sloppy director.
The redemption of Gibson’s character is exactly what makes “Signs” work, despite the lazy science fiction (Seriously, the aliens didn’t bother to look at the spectra of the planet to determine its makeup before they landed and started running around without any protection? We can do that with current technology.) But the performances are solid, and the thematic element of recovering from a great loss is universally relatable.
Being non-religious, his arc resonated to me on the level of the memories of his wife’s final moments finally giving him the strength to act (fight the aliens, protect his family) instead of being the weight that made him think life was meaningless. And the connection of his wife’s final words to the moment where he takes action was handled nicely: it leaves it open to interpretation whether or not it is coincidence or a sign from God.
“Unbreakable” is my favorite Shaymalan movie. Again, hitting the seeking redemption theme and kind of doing the dark comic book movie thing almost ahead of its time.
Unbreakable’s my fave too, but Sixth Sense is probably his best. I don’t know if emotional tone over plot, if it’s a choice rather than poor writing, can be called sloppiness. I contend that Shyamalan chooses to do it rather than mistakenly does so. You’re spot on about him copying Spielberg though. Maybe he used up that bag of tricks?
Also: is there any way we can imprison every director who’s made a found footage film?
I really like PROMETHEUS but I’m pleased you put Lindelof in here. Having watched the special features on the Blu-rays he seems like a right dilhole, unlike Ridley who always seems like a top bloke you could sit down and have a beer with.